My friend started a new blog, so I checked it out. Immediately I was struck by how raw and open she was. People often don’t put themselves all the way out there, mainly because it’s hard and it’s risky, but she did and I was so inspired that I just wanted to write and write. And so I did write, on my secret blog and my 750 words. My secret blog was created because I wanted a space to write about my shenanigans that wouldn’t impact me professionally, it’s where my fun writing happens. But due to recent health issues, it’s turned more into a place where I am trying to process my diagnosis and changes that I need to make to stay healthy. I’ve been dabbling about whether to write about it here or not. The books say not to because it could impact whether someone hires you or not, and that’s a valid point, but seeing as how both of my bosses know what’s going on, (and because I never listen to anyone), I’m gonna talk about it here. (sorry mom)
About a month ago, I was diagnosed with MS. It was a surprise, and according to my friends, I took it like a champ. In the beginning I read a lot of books on it but they scared me, badly. So I stopped and read Hunger Games over and over again. After I got over the initial shock, to be honest I’m still doing that, I decided to look at MS as the kick in the butt that I desperately need to actually (finally) start living my life. I mean, at my 30th birthday tea party, most of the advice I got was to let go and live. Stop waiting for whatever it is that I’m always waiting for and just live my life. So I’m trying.
If anything, I think my diagnosis has inspired my mother to live better. We took a vacation, something neither of us has done in years. We have more plans to travel. She’s gone to a trainer and is trying to eat better. It’s like my health issues are the kick in the butt she needed to finally start taking care of her health. It’s a pleasant surprise.
There’s so much I’ve wanted to say, like how Sharon Obsborne’s over emotional reaction to her son being diagnosed with MS doesn’t help and actually scares me, like how my own mother has turned into super mom and while I appreciate and am thankful for her love and attention it stresses me out and drives me crazy, like how I’m thankful that my brother doesn’t really get what’s happening because I don’t look or feel sick, like how it’s hard to care about other people’s problems because everything seems petty and stupid to me now, how having a disease that’s mainly controlled by how well you hand stress is perhaps that worst thing that I could have and I can’t identify with the word “disabled”. And so much I didn’t want to say, like how I hate waking up every morning because something might not be working or be randomly hurting (like it did last week), how I don’t really want to meet anyone else with this or hear about their stories, or how the combination of a breakup with this diagnosis makes me feel totally broken sometimes.
It’s weird because this is something that I don’t want to define me but it’s taken over my life. I have to now plan my weeks around this medication that may or may not make me sick for an entire day. It’s made me incredibly aware of my body and how my emotions reflect themselves physically – I’m more aware of how tense my shoulders get when I’m a little stressed and if I get very stressed my left eye gets blurry.
I also wanted to write this because I wanted to publicly thank my friends for being so amazing through all this. Whenever I need an ear, a dinner date or a drinking buddy they have been there. When I had to have a catheter and steroids through iv, they were there. When I pinched my nerve, they were there. When I was diagnosed, they were there. When I had meltdowns or fright attacks about the future, they patiently listened. On one of the message boards, someone said MS shows you who your real friends are, and they weren’t lying. Thankfully, I already knew who they were and now I just love them even more, if that’s even possible.
This is supposed to be my space and it felt wrong to not be able to use it as I want to. So, that’s what I’m doing. part 2 is on the secret blog.