This summer I am trying to do things that scare me, so that they won’t scare me anymore.  Lately my biggest fear has been writing. While I think I am an ok writer, some of my professors don’t agree and frankly, that has really shaken my confidence.  So much so that I barely write on any of my three blogs. I know I need to get over it and that most of this is in my head. I just need to write.

This summer I want to learn how to skateboard. this is something I’ve wanted to do for years but I was scared that I would fall.  Sure I’m going to fall, but it’s not like I’m going to fall off a cliff or something. worst case I’ll scrape my hands and knees (nothing new there).  I’ve also allowed my friend to talk me out of this, her reasoning being that I can’t do it.  I hate it when people tell me I can’t do something.

Finally, I need to tell people to stop treating my like shit or acting in ways that hurt my feelings.  I really, really don’t like confrontation, but I’m realizing I don’t like they make me feel more. And I really hate the way I feel when I don’t say anything.  So this is something that I really need to work on because I just want to be happy and there are a few people in my life who make that difficult, and actually a few that I just wish would go away.

So these are my summer goals. Wish me luck.

e.

So ashamed to have written more than one of these “I’m still alive” posts.  But, yeah I’m still alive.

I’ve barely seen anyone in months, except for my classmates and occasionally my family.

So what have I been up to?

• * painted my room – tried once with Stacey and it was an utter failure (really, really bad).  In our defense, the paint looked white while wet, and the wall was white, so we couldn’t really see what was going on.  Then it dried white, then looked green for maybe 5 minutes and then looked dark blue (fail).  After whining about the color my roommate came home and says “love the blue!” (epic fail).  So I repainted on Valentines Day (yes I did), and the wall still looks white, green or blue depending on the time of day.
• * presented my very own research at forum entitled in The Social Determinants of Health: A Discussion of the Relationship Between Marriage and Health Outcomes in African-American Communities in Washington, DC.   I was soo nervous, I was literally shaking.  It was crazy!  But I rocked it out.  I even made a joke in the beginning about wife’s keeping their husbands alive and the crowd loved it.  And then I was ok, well, no I was still nervous and speed-talked but then I saw Mincy giving me the slow down sign and then I got control over myself and finished.  I thought about posting the power point, but I don’t know that anyone (other than my mom) would be interested in.
• * My first chapter, which then turned into my first article is going to be published finally!  Well either in August or September but in the 2010.  I can’t believe it. 2 years and it’s almost over. Oh yeah!
• * I made (and by made, I mean printed, cut and taped to my wall) this super call wall feature. Pic coming soon.
• * cooking – I love it.  It saves money.  It’s fun, it’s rewarding.  Unless I cook something bad, because there is always too much, and my roommate never helps me eat the bad stuff (I don’t blame her).  Trying to find low calorie meals that are really tasty is challenging at times, but I’m rolling with it.  Not surprisingly, I find something I like and then eat it every day for 3 weeks straight.  I’m currently going through a grilling phase but I know I shouldn’t each chicken wings every day… but they are so tasty (especially with this new grill seasoning I got).
• * getting healthy – It’s an ongoing process.  My weight yo-yos.  Sometimes I eat super healthy, sometimes I eat crap, some weeks I go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes I skip it all together.  Oh and I keep spraining my ankle, this probably has to do with the fact that I barely do rehab exercises or let it heal fully.  All in all, I try to be forgiving of myself and honestly, that’s always that hard part.
• * dating, well wouldn’t you like to know? no but for real, there’s no time for that right now.

next up:

• * gardening – last summer the apartment a couple of floors below us had this amazing balcony garden.  from the street, it looks amazing.  I don’t know that I want all that, i just want to grow some herbs and hopefully some string beans (it is sooo hard to find good ones).  i really wish i could grow grapefruit ( i have to have them every day).

peace,
e.

Yesterday I did something I’ve been afraid to do all summer – ride my bike on the streets.  Yesterday I rode my bike from house to my best friends house and then to the beach.

As you can see by my expert paint skills, the ride took forever.  An hour of being scared out of my mind by cars zooming by – ok that’s not true.  We spent a large chunk of that time on a bike path, but still.    The ride home took more than an hour I’m sure as by the time we made it to Ave A, I was dying.

My body hurts in places that have never hurt before.   I’ll be icing for days.  But it was worth it.  After we got out of Prospect Park, I rode home alone.  I made it down Classon – a street with no bike lanes – all by myself.

Now to grow a pair when it comes to men…

peace,
e.

p.s. Shout out to Manny and Drew who were very patient with my slow riding and constant whining (and screaming *shame face*).

I just realized I never blogged about that fact that I’m headed back to school in the fall.  Right back to Columbia to get my PhD is social policy and policy analysis.   I thought I had a dissertation idea (well I do) but when I went to the open house and began talking with my homeboy who is already a candidate there, he gave a super amazing idea – or at least the beginnings of an idea – for what I think is an even better idea.  When I flush it out more I’ll share.

Ok that’s it.  I don’t know why I am up this early.  Back to bed for me.

peace,
e.

I’ve decided, after a year of running myself ragged, that I need an untouchable day.  That’s about as far as it’s gotten.  All I know is that it is untouchable from work.  I need this because my job is slowly but surely draining the life out of me and I just can’t take it anymore.  I can always find a million reasons why I need to be working, but the reality is that, even though I work every single day, the work is never done.  And with that, I need to step back and take some time for me.

This week almost killed me.  With a chapter deadline at the beginning of the week and the GREs at the end, it was the worst week in a while.  We turned the chapter in a day late and I totally crashed and burned on the GREs.  What did working nonstop or weeks on end get me?  It didn’t get that chapter in on time, although it is a really good chapter.  And spending all my time working meant that I totally stopped studying for the GRE weeks ago.  And while both activities are important for my grad school applications, I just can’t have that truly pathetic score reflect my standardized test taking abilities.

While I’m tempted to add “GRE studying” to my list of things I will not do on my untouchable day, I should prob just bite the bullet and dedicate an hour or two to remembers geometry (whomp).

So today is my untouchable day.  I am going to go to Home Depot, like I’ve wanted to for weeks and watch the L word and eat pizza and take a nap and do whatever the hell else I want to do and not even think about work until tomorrow… or maybe even Moday.

peace,
e.

So the other day i went to lunch with a new coworker just to have “black girl” chat – you know how that goes when you’re the only two black girls here.  Anyway it was normal stuff, you know office gossip and the like and then we started talking about her marriage.  She met her husband approximately 11 months ago on the A train and she just felt this strong desire to talk to him.  He felt the same.  He is one of the hardest types of men to meet in NYC – he was actually looking to be in a relationship.  So they dated and got married and then moved into together and now want to start a family.

She told me that she hasn’t been receiving a lot of support from our same age peers.  People are surprised she wants to get pregnant.  She’s married, almost done with grad school and wants to have 5 kids.  She’d better get cracking now.  People want her to wait until she gets older.  Why?  Because they think she should start her career and then have kids.  To us, this isn’t the smartest move.  Why would you wait until you have an established career and then risk it by taking off tons of time for maturnity leave.  It’s makes sense to us to have the kids before there’s a career to worry about.  For me, the ideal time would be while I’m writing my dissertation.  Ok that was a sidebar.

So after we talked about kids, we talked about dating.  It was a relief to meet someone who thinks the same way I do about dating.  My definition of single is simple – you are not dating someone, you’re not in a commited relationship, you are single.  For the past few years, I’ve been noticing that most of my peers don’t think that they way.  They can be monogomous with one person for months but consider themselves single.  They “date” many people and are still single.  They will give someone everything but a title.  To me, all these people are not single, but they consider themselves single.  It confuses me.  And having dated someone who’s idea of single was totally opposite of mine, I know that’s not the scene for e.

I never considered myself conservative, until I started dating.  Whomp. My name is Eva and I am a conservative dater. And I am ok with that.

peace,
e.