Tag: relationships

a note to myself when i start tripping about love

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I’ve been reading too many articles telling me that I’m never going to get married.  I’ve been listening to too many men who say monogomy is unrealistic.  I’ve been doubting whether I’ll fall in love and questioning the necessity of marriage.  I’ve been tripping… hard.

Part of this was influenced by my own research on marriage (and reading Cherlin’s work) – it is true that Americans get married faster, get divorced faster and remarry faster than any of our western counterparts.  This is a result of competing ideologies: the very American “do you” mentality (pursuit of happiness, rugged individualism, etc) and this idea that marriage is the ideal (and perhaps only) way to raise children.  These ideologies do not work together at all, in fact, most of them time they work directly against each other.  And I was left thinking, what’s the point of getting married when there’s a 50/50 chance it will end?  I even discussed this with my mentor who told me that his marriage is a contract with God and this if he plays his wife, he’s also playing with his relationship to God.  It was the risk of messing things up with God that kept him in line.  I can admit that I never thought of marriage like that; I’m not sure that I do even now.

And I let it get totally out of hand.  Add that to some poor decision making and turning 30 next month and you have the perfect recipe for crippling self-doubt and an existential crisis.  The worst part was that I was almost willing to settle for something would never lead to happiness.  Stability, perhaps.  Children, sure.  Shiny, pretty things, definitely.   But it would just be existing, not a real life.

And just like that, I snapped out of it.   I mean when I take a step back I have to realize that there is so much more than this and I’m not going to live life like this.  Being jaded is exhausting and more than that it’s lame.  I’m a believer of love, the rainbow connection and all that jazz.  How can I not believe in love?  What in the world came over me?  That’s not me.

My future hubby is out there and he is looking for me.  He is awesome and cute and like my crafts.  He actually laughs when I tell jokes and tells really good ones himself.  He’ll want to renovate a house with me, like the simpsons and south park and will tolerate twilight.  When he goes out with his boys or has to travel for work, I will not worry because I know that he loves (and respects) me enough that he doesn’t feel the need to stick his dick into every chick that passes by.  We will be happy; we will be comfortable with each other.  We will have kids and he will be an awesome father.  He will “talk daddy” all the time and I will swoon.  We will make tons of home videos as a family and be happy and live happily ever after.  This is what I believe in.  That is the life I want to live.

I’m not going to live my life in fear of something that may or may not happen. I am choosing to think positively about the future.

So self, the next time you start tripping about love, read this and chill out.

xoxo,
e.

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confessions of a chick who was in denial of her daddy issues

I’ve been thinking a lot about daddy issues.

I’ve always try to avoid thinking of myself as having daddy issues and thinking about the ways they affect my relationships.  But I think it’s time for me to really think about what’s happening and what I can do about it. I’ve always been a huge proponent of  the “grow the fuck up and get over it” method when it comes to daddy issues, but I can’t seem to get over it and I can’t stop making the same mistakes over and over.  And I’m ashamed of that.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend who is getting a divorce.  She said she was worried about her daughter and she said she thought of me.  That made me sad and embarrassed; it’s like the poster child of daughters without fathers. That’s not what I want to be. I never wanted that to define me.

For me, as a child of a single parent, I overcame every obstacle in front of me except for when it comes to relationships and marriage.  When I was younger, I imagined that I would meet my husband in grad school and we would get married.  By the time I was a third or fourth in my PhD program (read: now), I would be pregnant so that I would not have to miss any time once I started working.  But in reality it didn’t work out that way. And honestly you can’t plan a future that involves someone else without that someone else. And so now I’m wondering what do I plan and can I even plan it. I’m leaning towards no and that scares me.

A friend once try to understand my relationship with my father and assumed that he put me down and that is why I make these bad that relationship decisions.  But in reality, I don’t think my father has ever even scolded me and he always is bragging about how great I am. My father always tells me that he loves me and my father always is affectionate. He’s just not always around.

In my research on nonresident daughters and in the few interviews I’ve conducted, I’ve found that a lot of us would chase our fathers around when we were younger. That we would make sure he was in our lives by literally tracking him down every time he disappeared and making him come back or talk to us. And so we are now well equipped to deal with boyfriends and husbands who disappear when they want to. We are experts at chasing men around because we’ve been doing it since we were children. And I think that part, perhaps, is almost more comfortable to me at this point then healthy functioning relationship. I know what to do with the man disappears I don’t know what to do when a man is present and attentive. It freaks me out. And I know that everything I just said sounds totally crazy to people who can function in healthy relationships, which is normally people who grew up with their father’s people.

Believe me no one wants me to get over my daddy issues more than me.  I can recognize when I’m doing things that aren’t healthy.

Another thing my friend said to me about the divorce was that she was afraid that this is teaching her children not to advocate for what they want from their father, or really from anyone, because they might leave you if you do.  I had to sit and think about that for a minute because I never realized how much I believe that. It’s funny (but not really), that this situation just happened to me this weekend when I told my not-boyfriend what I wanted from him and he disappeared.  And I’m thinking about how pervasive that is in my life and how I always had a hard time verbalizing to people what I need because I was always afraid. And it makes me angry to think that fear of advocating for what I want and consequently getting what I want came from my father. It’s a tough pill to swallow. Although I know I’ll never get what I want if I don’t ask, I have had so many experiences where I don’t get anything even if I do ask. Now I’m sitting here wondering how do I change that.

My friends always say if you ask the guy for what you want him he’s not willing to give it to you to leave him. Logically I understand that.  The plan is not to stay with someone that can’t (or won’t) give you what you need, but in the end you’re alone. Where we differ is that the thought of being alone doesn’t scare them as much as it scares me.  Their logic is that there’s always someone else and so don’t worry about that.  But I also don’t have the belief that someone is right around the corner, even though in my life normally someone who has been. I guess this is the first time I’ve actually thought it about it that way (hello breakthrough).

e.

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the good, the bad and the ugly: Rihanna and Chris Brown

I’ve been holding off on commenting on this for a while, but since people are asking, here’s my two cents.

the good
well, some light is being shed on domestic violence in the black community.  We are actually acknowledging it exists and speaking about it with our friends.  We are seeing that it can happen to anyone and we are seeing a lot of people talking out how this has affected them personally – men and women.  And hopefully, we will see a beautiful young woman strong enough to walk away and a young man secure enough to get some real help and learn to deal with his issues.

the bad
Most likely we won’t.  And it will be heartbreaking to see them together again, and more heartbreaking when he does this again.  I understand that it is not easy to walk away from an abusive relationship.  I know even when women leave it is emotionally draining to press charges.

the ugly
The way young people are reacting to this situation.  Reading the comments on Black gossip sites and on Rihanna and Chris’s myspace pages is horrifying.  Some young people think this is ok.  Some people think being provoked is a reason to beat a woman (this comes straight from Chris’s sister AND cousin).

So what do you guys think?

peace,
e.

h/t: postbougie, ill doctrine, huffington post

p.s. dope vid courtesy of ill doctrine

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good news about love

Apparently it can last a lifetime, according to CNN and the researchers at Stony Brook University in New York. *phew* What a relief.

And I’m totally not being sarcastic.

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

“The findings go against the traditional view of romance — that it drops off sharply in the first decade — but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times.

Lately, love has felt so unattainable.  You see lovers move on.  Or lovers who can’t move on and seem destined to be alone forever.  I’m glad there is research to confirm my idealized vision of love.

That is all, night folks.

e.

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“Beggars can’t be choosers”

is what he said to me over dinner. Beggers (black women) can’t be choosers (about who they date). Because after, it’s supply and demand baby. Educated, financially stable Black men are in high demand and Black women shouldn’t expect to get one. We should take whatever we can get and be happy.

In an earlier conversation he compared the future to the Matrix 2, where everyone looked liked us – you know, light skinned, not Black or White.  Everyone had been mixed and that was the future and “Black women are holding up evolution by being the only ones trying to stick to their race.”

I’m sorry, but does this sound crazy to anyone else but me?

Here’s what we all know:  The number of never-married Black women has doubled in the past 50 years (it’s around 45%).  The number of married Black women has decreased substantially in the past 50 years.  Quite frankly, this graph freaks me out. 

My boss said that this was a crass way of discussing the lower prospects of an educated black women getting married. Fine and fair enough. That drama has been widely written about and every Black women knows that the more education she gets the less likely she is to get married. That’s depressing – chose between education and men. whomp whomp.

What’s really disturbing me is that lately I have heard some black men (not a lot but enough) exploiting this situatuion. They are exploiting the fact that there are so few educated, financially secure Black men with no children by cheating on their girlfriends and not worrying because “she won’t find anything better.” And what’s more depressing is that some women are subscribing to this notion.

For me, if it comes to having a Black man who won’t respect me and being single, I’m going to have to choose single. Or I’m going to have to choose to date outside my race. But whatever my decision, I sure as hell won’t be begging as I do it.

peace,
e.

source: The Joint Center

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