I’ve been reading too many articles telling me that I’m never going to get married. I’ve been listening to too many men who say monogomy is unrealistic. I’ve been doubting whether I’ll fall in love and questioning the necessity of marriage. I’ve been tripping… hard.
Part of this was influenced by my own research on marriage (and reading Cherlin’s work) – it is true that Americans get married faster, get divorced faster and remarry faster than any of our western counterparts. This is a result of competing ideologies: the very American “do you” mentality (pursuit of happiness, rugged individualism, etc) and this idea that marriage is the ideal (and perhaps only) way to raise children. These ideologies do not work together at all, in fact, most of them time they work directly against each other. And I was left thinking, what’s the point of getting married when there’s a 50/50 chance it will end? I even discussed this with my mentor who told me that his marriage is a contract with God and this if he plays his wife, he’s also playing with his relationship to God. It was the risk of messing things up with God that kept him in line. I can admit that I never thought of marriage like that; I’m not sure that I do even now.
And I let it get totally out of hand. Add that to some poor decision making and turning 30 next month and you have the perfect recipe for crippling self-doubt and an existential crisis. The worst part was that I was almost willing to settle for something would never lead to happiness. Stability, perhaps. Children, sure. Shiny, pretty things, definitely. But it would just be existing, not a real life.
And just like that, I snapped out of it. I mean when I take a step back I have to realize that there is so much more than this and I’m not going to live life like this. Being jaded is exhausting and more than that it’s lame. I’m a believer of love, the rainbow connection and all that jazz. How can I not believe in love? What in the world came over me? That’s not me.
My future hubby is out there and he is looking for me. He is awesome and cute and like my crafts. He actually laughs when I tell jokes and tells really good ones himself. He’ll want to renovate a house with me, like the simpsons and south park and will tolerate twilight. When he goes out with his boys or has to travel for work, I will not worry because I know that he loves (and respects) me enough that he doesn’t feel the need to stick his dick into every chick that passes by. We will be happy; we will be comfortable with each other. We will have kids and he will be an awesome father. He will “talk daddy” all the time and I will swoon. We will make tons of home videos as a family and be happy and live happily ever after. This is what I believe in. That is the life I want to live.
I’m not going to live my life in fear of something that may or may not happen. I am choosing to think positively about the future.
So self, the next time you start tripping about love, read this and chill out.