just stop nadya suleman

a lot has been written about Nadya Suleman and her 14 children.  Let me break down the problem for you, she is unemployed, single and has 14 children.  She has 14 children! How are we arguing that this is not completely irresponsible?  Her parents have financial problems so they moved into her house to live with her.  How are these people supposed to cloth and feed 14 children, 8 of whom are infants.  How are these people supposed to keep their sanity?  How are we not seeing this as a problem?

Would this still be a problem if she was married?  It depends, if her husband was loaded and they had a house large enough to accommodate 14 children and could afford enough child care, I would probably say no.  But if he was as broke as she is, then yes.  As it stands now, her parents are trying to support her.  Her father is going back to Iraq to make some money, I guess the mother’s going to stay home and take care of the kids and perhaps Nadya will go back to school and get the degree?  Then what?  We are in a major recession, it’s not easy to get a job, no matter what type of education you have.

I get it, she was an only child and she wanted a large family.  That’s perfectly fine, but the manner in which she chose to do this is crazy.  After successfully having six children, she decided to go back and use the 6 remaining eggs.  It’s not that she’s ignorant, she’s actually quite knowledgeable about the process and risks, she just didn’t care.  She just wanted to have those children.

I think if you’re lonely and a broke grad school student, get a pet.

peace,
e.

Can the Obamas singlehandedly save marraiges?

because the way people are talking, it sure seems they can.  During the campaign, some people expressed concern that we were hyping him up too much and putting too much pressure on him.  Now that he’s President, I think some have gone overboard.

I mean for real, have their been no healthy examples of black marriages since the Cosby show?  And for that matter, were there any health examples of black marriages before the Cosby show?

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the Cosby show.  I love seeing two successful Black parents that loved each other, could have loving disagreements, didn’t beat their children

It seems like if I did a time line of healthy Black marriages it would go like this

Cosby Family

1984-1992: Cosbys (the Cosby show)

Obama Family

1992 – now: Obamas (real life)

This looks ridiculous, because it is ridiculous.  I think it’s nice we have another example of a healthy marriage, but the Obamas are not the end all be all and the media (yes i’m looking at you CNN) really needs to stop pretending that this is the cure to Black “pathology”.

e.

surprising theme in notorious

I saw Notorious on Friday.  In my opinion, it was ok.  I think they could and should have developed every character way more.  In spite of that, I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot about fatherhood in the movie.  Biggie’s struggle to be a good father, a litle insight into why he wasn’t the best for a while and his desire to be a better father in the end.  It was a pleasant surprise.  I wasn’t the biggest Biggie fan, so I didn’t know he had two children.  I can’t say that I was surprised, but it was nice that the children even had a place in the movie.

peace,
e.

the nation ignores the death of another black man

at the hands of the police. I hadn’t read my google reader in a few days, and I first came across the story over at postbougie.  A quick google search provided no actual news, except for blogs.  I’m so pissed.

The story: around 2 am on New Years a few brown men were pulled off the train for an altercation.  some were handcuffed, others weren’t.  among those not handcuffed was 22 year old Oscar Grant.  Apparently Mr. Grant was pleaded with the cops to not taser him, when they put him face down on the ground and shot him.  Don’t believe me?  It was caught on tape by two different people.

Granted it’s on a camera phone, you can still clearly see a cop holding Oscar down and another cop shotting him.  What’s more crazy is that are MAD people watching, inside the train and on the platform.  It’s just soo brazen I can’t believe it.

Of course the cops are trying to argue that he was trying to pull out his taser gun and mistakenly  pulled out a gun.  I’m sorry but a taser gun looks different than a real gun.  Very different.  And the worse part is that like Rodney King, these cops will probably be acquitted.

I finally found the story on CNN.  Do a search for Oscar Grant and the first story is how the cop is getting death threats.  Then you see the story about Oscar himself.  Enough.  American needs to start caring about  Black men anf it needs to start now.

e.

cross posted at SASSY

good news about love

Apparently it can last a lifetime, according to CNN and the researchers at Stony Brook University in New York. *phew* What a relief.

And I’m totally not being sarcastic.

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

“The findings go against the traditional view of romance — that it drops off sharply in the first decade — but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times.

Lately, love has felt so unattainable.  You see lovers move on.  Or lovers who can’t move on and seem destined to be alone forever.  I’m glad there is research to confirm my idealized vision of love.

That is all, night folks.

e.

Voluntary Single Fathers?

Last night I came across this article on CNN about men who are using surrogate mothers to become fathers.  Granted most men that employ this method of fatherhood are gay men, mostly in committed relationships, who want to become fathers.  I thought it was interesting that CNN chose a Black gay man as the example of gay men, for obvious reasons.

picture from cnn.com

picture from cnn.com

Jeff Walker, pictured above, wanted to be a father.  He had his first daughter with his partner and a surrogate.  Jeff and his parnter broke up but Jeff wanted more children so he use the same surrogate, diferent egg donor and had a second daughter.

The second example, Steven Harris, is a straight man that opted for surragacy when he became tired of waiting for the right woman to marry.

“I thought getting married was the only way to go, because I did want a family. But having Ben, I feel complete now,” Harris says.

You know how I feel about single parenthood, especially planned single parenthood, but I must say I’m happy to see men who genuinely want to be fathers and are willing to spend a lot of money to become fathers.  CNN reported surrogacy can cost $100,000 (wowza).

All in all, very interesting.  I had never thought about the men who can’t find the right women and go on with their family plans.  It makes sense, I’ve met a lot of women who have said if they can’t find the right man at a certain point in their life, they would adopt or impregnate themselves through invitro fertilization.  I need to read more on this phenomenon.

What do you guys think of these mens creating families through surrogates?

i’m not trying to save the world

Tonight my mother and I got ino a little tiff because I wanted to give my brother $200 in hopes that he would finally enroll in a GED course.  My mother went off.  She said he wasn’t going to go to the class and that he’s had all these opportunities to go to different schools and he hasn’t taken them and this would be a waste of my money.  Now let’s be for real, I know the liklihood of my brother taking $200 and spending it on a GED class he has been avoiding for at least 8 months is slim.  I thought that by showing him that I believed that he would do the right and take some steps to get his life back together, it would motivate and empower him.  Call it my Christmas wish.  He’s only 17.  In my humble opinion, that’s just too young to throw your life away.

Well, you would think the argument would stop there, but my mother kept going.  I don’t really understand why, but my faith in the men in my life – namely my father and brothers – really pisses her off.  She always tells me you can’t change people.  I know that.  After spending years trying to change boyfriends, my father and now my brother I know that.  But I also know that people can change themselves when they want to.  I don’t see the harm in encouraging my brother to get a GED and explaining the numerous benefits of having any education in this economy.  The one thing my brothers know about me is that I never give up on them.  Yes, I get frustrated, a lot, but I’ve never given up on them.  So this Christmas, I’m going to tell my brother that whenever he’s ready for this GED course, I will help him financially.

My mother left the room muttering, “You can’t save the world Eva.”  I’m not trying to save the world, Mom.  I’m trying to save my brother.

peace,
e.

The Demise of Dating?

The other day my friend sent me a link to Charles M. Blow’s  op-ed column in the New York Times entitled, “The Demise of Dating.”  The gist is that dating is essentially dead and hooking up is here to stay.  Ugh.

While the article focus’s on a study conducted on high school students, I can say, in my experience, that hooking up is here to stay for young adults as well.  To gain more insight on hooking up vs. dating, Blow consulted La Salle University professor, Kathleen Bogle.  Bogle broke it down and said hooking up takes the pressure off as it promotes groups of friends going out and it takes the stigma off the one person who can’t get a date.  Fine, that sounds good in principle.  But the consL

The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys don’t), and, as they get older, they start to realize that it’s not a good way to find a spouse.

Enter double edged sword stage left.  And this is what I see happening to my peers.  Women hook up to get a boyfriend, while men hook up to avoid having a girlfriend.  You see, everyone enjoys consistent sex but the ways men and women view the future of such relationships are very different.  Women view consistent sex as a first step in a committed relationship.  Men view consistent sex as the end result – that’s all they wanted, the sex without the commitment (read: drama and work).

In talking about this with some friends a while back, some women decided that they were not going to have sex unless they were in a committed relationship.  That is, they would withold sex from the man they wanted more from, but would still hookup with guys they knew had no relationship potential. This way, they would avoid the “I don’t date girls who are easy” tactic.  However, this plan backfired as the guys who were relationship material resented the fact that they had to wait for sex with a woman when she was having sex with other guys easily.

They, like myself, could not find a way to win.

That’s not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, it’s: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.

Aw man – we have to work against the collapse of advanced planning (I personally do not think she’s talking about women’s advanced planning), lopsided gender ratios on college campuses (that’s not going to be easy (or quick) to solve), delaying marriage (I could write a million posts about this) and sheer momentum (I get it, why would these men give up all this non-committal sex and freedom if they don’t have to?)

So it looks like hooking up is here to stay, and I for one am not happy about it.

e.

an argument against marriage

that doesn’t make me want to tear my hair out. So i was reading/lurking on postbougie and they hat tipped TNC (another place where i lurk) and he was explaining why he decided not to marry the mother of his children and (i’m assuming) his girlfriend.

When I read what it was about, I was ready to tear it about. After all, I’m all about (healthy) marriage and it’s one of my two policies of choice for change in the Black community. The other is education if you must know.

While I don’t necessarily agree with his reasons not to marry, I can certainly understand and respect them.  It’s not that I think that marriage is a magic pill.  I understand that they take a lot of work and a lot of patience.  A marriage is a commitment – not just to a wife, but to your children as well.  And I guess some of the reasons TNC said he didn’t want to marry, this insurance, is what I thinkis the missing piece to child stability in single parent families.   I think a relationship that TNC appears to have is rare outside of marriage and this is the type of relationship that intiatives like The Healthy Family Initiative are strivig to achieve.  It’s not so much the contractual relationship as it is the loving partnership that policies, and society, are trying to achieve.

peace,
e.

a glimmer of hope

for AIDS victims.  A friend put me onto this article that says that a bone marrow transplant has not only cured a man’s lukemia, but apparently also AIDS.  The article is quick to say that bone marrow transplants will never be standard treatment for AIDS but hopefully they can learn something from this that can help people.

AIDS is just so terrible and I can’t wait for it to go away.

peace,
e.

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