On Choosing Single Motherhood

So I was perusing some blogs and someone mentioned this one – some single women choosing the single mother route.

“I don’t need a man to have a baby. I don’t have to find “The One” and fall in love and get married to procreate. My body doesn’t actually care if Cupid has shot my heart straight through with arrows. Love and sentiment technically have nothing to do with the fact that since my menstrual blood began I have been able to have a baby — whenever I want.”

This concept is not new to me, it just frustrates me.   Yes, one doesn’t need a man to have a baby but so much research shows the benefits of two parents.  I was raised by a single parent, and it was ideal considering what my father was up to, but that wasn’t the choice that my mother intended to make.  I haven’t met anyone of my mother’s generation that willingly had a child on their own.  They either divorced or broke up, but we all came from a relationship.  I’ve met quiet a few successful Black women who have said that if they aren’t married by a certain point in their life they were going to have a child on their own.  To each her own.

And I know where this thinking comes from.  It’s no secret Black women are least likely to marry.  And I’m sure these women will make amazing mothers, who will love their children unconditionally and do everything they can to give their child anything they could ever want or need, but that’s not for e. Given my line of research, I can’t, in good conscience, just have a baby just to have one.  If I have a child I want to bring it into the most supportive, loving and stable enviornment I can.  And to me, that means in a stable, happy and functioning marriage.


These inspire me

As I struggle through my first chapter, I sneak peek at my fav blogs for inspiration.  So I decided to share them with you.

Apartment Therapy – i love seeing dope apartments.

Made by Girl - I just love her stuff. I want to break out my silk screen

Deception Pass – i love the sims. i admire how much time they spend on this – the writing and all the custom gear they make. i love it.

What inspires you?



uhm why are all the black people on sex and the city freaking police or drivers. whomp?  i wanna be the black sex and the city.


|8-25-11 edit – Whenever I look back on my blog and see this post, I just want to cringe.  I can think of nothing sillier (now at least) than to want to live a sex and the city lifestyle.  I’ll prob elaborate in a later blog|

i need to be creative

i am aching to be creative.

to make a t-shirt. learn photoshop so i can make sassy look the way i want it to. learn css so i can complete this website. have some time to at least write the short story of what i hope to someday make a full novel.  buy a camera (that works) and take dope pics of bk. or even just my house. or even frank’s cat. ah.

i just had to get that out. now back to being analytical.


p.s. this little rant of sorts was inspired by stumbing up made by girl. doesn’t she just look sooo happy. ah. oh and i totally want this poster she made. i just adore it.

4 weeks

Ack time is flying.

Had a meeting with the editor yesterday.  Almost totally done with the data, I think a solid two hours should do it.  And now to write.  Even though I don’t need to turn the article in for 4 weeks, my boss wants it in two. So… away I go to write.


what in the …

Uhm. What in the world did i just witness on the RNC tonight? That was the most viscous, off the wall and insane speech I ever heard. Palin came out fighting, but barely touched the issues that really concern us. Fine, your kids are off limits but I will continue to give you the side eye until you start supporting contraceptive education in schools because clearly abstinence only is not working.

Community organizers and social workers, republicans don’t respect you nor the work you do. Don’t give them your vote. To hear them laugh and jeer like actually working with real people isn’t any experience, like it’s not important.

I’m still not sure what exactly Palin’s experience nor how her experience is more meaningful than Obama’s.  I still don’t know what Palin’s experience is with international policy?  I’m confused why being a sportscaster is cute and quirky and working in the community is looked down upon.

She backed off her values – she didn’t mention abortion, she didn’t mention creationalism, she didn’t mention abstinence only education. She stayed away from landmines. She thought she was slick.

You know how I feel about Hillary. She was tough and at times pushed it too far at times. Words matter, so I won’t call Palin what I think she is.  She was mean, she was smug, she made jokes of serious issues, she name called. It was pathetic. I wasn’t moved or touched. I was just amazed that she was allowed to deliver that speech.

The democrats were gracious and someone over at Jack and Jill warned them. They said said something along the lines of “stop telling us McCain is your friend, but..” becuase please the Republicans won’t. And sure enough, there was no “Obama is my friend” or “Biden is a great guy.” No the Republicans went for the jugular. It was off-putting for me, but the crowd ate it up.

And then there was the propaganda.  Uhm, Republicans, what change are you trying to bring?  Why are you acting like your poor decisions didn’t put us in this situation?  How are you going to blame the liberals for wasting money on social programs, when you have cut funding for these programs year after year? How will 4 years of McCain/Palin differ from 8 of Bush/Cheney?  How are we winning the war?  Why are we still talking “Islamic terrorist?’  Scare tactics are played out.  Why are you talking bad about the “good old boys” when you are the good old boys.

And yes, it was unfortunate that McCain was a POW and the story is very inspiring, however, being a POW does not make you qualified to be President.

Blah, I gotta finish running this data and go to bed.


eva vs. those hillary supporters

Tonight I just watched Barack Obama make an incredible speech. Tonight I felt incredibly proud and I felt like I was a part of something big. History. And while I watched my future president tell McCain to “bring it fool,” I couldn’t help but think about my friend who just confessed that she is one of those Hillary supporters.

You know the type, the ones that would rather vote for McCain than for Obama or rather not vote at all. Oh the horror! It’s been a rough night because she is a very intelligent woman and to hear her arguments for not voting for Barack, I couldn’t stop myself from telling her that I just couldn’t take her seriously. She asked me if I saw this clip, and said that she totally agreed with what that fool was saying.

She argued that Barack wasn’t old enough and that he didn’t have enough experience. If you know me, I’m fairly young and do many things that people may not think I’m experienced enough to do, but that doesn’t stop me from making it happen. To me, age is a very dumb reason to limit someone, especially when that age is over 40.

Yes Barack hasn’t been in the Senate for decades on end. To me, that is a benefit. He is not jaded. He probably hasn’t been corrupted. He’s spent more time in the real world, helping real people, than being couped up in an office in Washington, DC. Barack’s spent his life working for ordinary people, making change from the ground level. That makes him more appealing to me.

I asked her if it was worth pushing women’s and LGBT’s rights back decades. She said yes because she believed in McCain’s economic stimulus plan more than Barack’s. She did have good points, and sure the plan is not perfect, but to me, human rights are more important than money. I know, it’s simplistic and probably niave, but it’s what I believe.

She said that he never fully answers question, he takes forever to answer. I had to break it down. Barack Obama is a Black man running for President. Everything he says is scrutinized, so he’d better take some time to think about what he says before he says it. I can appreciate that he is thoughtful. And I know what would happen should Obama speak thoughtlessly, we’ve seen what happened to Michelle – as honest as it was, America wasn’t having it. Obama doesn’t have the freedom to be a lose canoon, like McCain. So if it takes my man a couple more seconds to answer a question, I’m ok with that.

My final point has nothing to do with politics, but Obama loves his family, and he really loves his wife. He’s the first politician that looks like he loves his wife and family. What I loved about the DNC was that it was very family-focused. Obama looks like he generally likes the people he works with – he hugs Biden. That warms my heart. He seems like a generally nice person. That is important to me and that is where Hillary ultimately lost me.

In the beginning I could have gone either way and been happy. Then Hillary started losing and acting crazy and I knew that she wasn’t the candidate for me. Then Bill started talking crazy and she never stopped him, and I was over it. Then she wouldn’t quit, and it irked me because had the tables been turned, the race for the candidacy would have been over long ago. Then this whole mess with her getting nominations at the DNC, enough. HIllary, fall back. And then for her not to be there for Obama’s speeck. Sore loser, don’t want nor need that in the White house (again).

So my two cents. I love Barack. All these Hillary supporters who would rather not vote or vote for McCain, I beg of you, get your shit together, take a deep breath, and do what’s right for this country.


I fell in love last night…

Now I know I wasn’t the only inspired by Michelle Obama’s speech last night.

But I was troubled by the reason she had to make the speech. People are afraid of Michelle Obama and she has spent the past few months trying to explain who she and her husband are, where they came from and assure the general public that they are safe.

It is not easy to stereotype the Obamas. Unlike many other who come from single mother households, Barack got married, then had children and is a very devoted father. Unlike many others who come from impoverished neighborhoods, Michelle (and her brother) stayed in school and graduated from Ivy League institutions. Unlike many others who manage to make it out the hood and avoid it for as long as they can, both Michelle and Barack brought their education back to the neediest of neighborhoods and attempted to create change. Unlike other Black males in politics, Barack has not cheated on his wife (yeah I’m looking at you Jesse and Kwame).  And yet, all these things make them somehow suspect.

It’s frustrating to hear people question if the Obama’s are Black enough. Lord knows according to CNN they are not- they are not poor (but real talk, if you both graduated from Harvard Law School, you shouldn’t be poor or even middle class), they are very educated, they are married, and they are healthy. Michelle questioned, if she’s not Black enough, what does that mean. Shouldn’t we aspire for greatness in our lives, even if we hit a few stumbling blocks along the way?

Michelle and Barack are the American dream. They have done everything many conservatives think, and many liberals hope, people of color should do – get an education, excel, get a job, excel, get married, take care of your kids and do good. Shouldn’t this be something we are proud of? Shouldn’t this actually be the norm? (Maybe that’s another post).

I can admit that I hadn’t paid as much attention to the presidential race before, but I know that no other candidates have had to explain so much about themselves before.  McCain is always crying about how the Obamas get so much press but the tidbits that I hear about him and his wife trouble me.  Cindy McCain is a recovering addict, and yet we feel the need to put Michelle Obama under the microscope.  McCain doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own, if that isn’t on some out-of-touch, super celebrity, mega rich ish, I don’t know what is. And please don’t get me started on the McCain courtship because it involves cheating and divorce. Give me a break.

In the end, when Barack came on the screen, you could see his daughters’ eyes light up.  You could see Michelle glow.  You could feel the love.  It was sincere and it was powerful.  And I totally feel in love with the Obamas again last night.


crossposted @ SASSY

“Beggars can’t be choosers”

is what he said to me over dinner. Beggers (black women) can’t be choosers (about who they date). Because after, it’s supply and demand baby. Educated, financially stable Black men are in high demand and Black women shouldn’t expect to get one. We should take whatever we can get and be happy.

In an earlier conversation he compared the future to the Matrix 2, where everyone looked liked us – you know, light skinned, not Black or White.  Everyone had been mixed and that was the future and “Black women are holding up evolution by being the only ones trying to stick to their race.”

I’m sorry, but does this sound crazy to anyone else but me?

Here’s what we all know:  The number of never-married Black women has doubled in the past 50 years (it’s around 45%).  The number of married Black women has decreased substantially in the past 50 years.  Quite frankly, this graph freaks me out. 

My boss said that this was a crass way of discussing the lower prospects of an educated black women getting married. Fine and fair enough. That drama has been widely written about and every Black women knows that the more education she gets the less likely she is to get married. That’s depressing – chose between education and men. whomp whomp.

What’s really disturbing me is that lately I have heard some black men (not a lot but enough) exploiting this situatuion. They are exploiting the fact that there are so few educated, financially secure Black men with no children by cheating on their girlfriends and not worrying because “she won’t find anything better.” And what’s more depressing is that some women are subscribing to this notion.

For me, if it comes to having a Black man who won’t respect me and being single, I’m going to have to choose single. Or I’m going to have to choose to date outside my race. But whatever my decision, I sure as hell won’t be begging as I do it.


source: The Joint Center

7 weeks

ok so if you read my other blog, you would know that I am currently co-authoring a chapter on marriage and health in the Black community. My first draft is due in 7 weeks. That’s still a lot of time, but I’m known for procrastinating. I am working on my discipline, but there are just so many things to do each day – in and out of work.

At any rate, I’ve got most of the data, I know what I want to do it. I’m working on the outline. I’m about to make this happen.


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