this is e

doing things that scare me

This summer I am trying to do things that scare me, so that they won’t scare me anymore.  Lately my biggest fear has been writing. While I think I am an ok writer, some of my professors don’t agree and frankly, that has really shaken my confidence.  So much so that I barely write on any of my three blogs. I know I need to get over it and that most of this is in my head. I just need to write.

This summer I want to learn how to skateboard. this is something I’ve wanted to do for years but I was scared that I would fall.  Sure I’m going to fall, but it’s not like I’m going to fall off a cliff or something. worst case I’ll scrape my hands and knees (nothing new there).  I’ve also allowed my friend to talk me out of this, her reasoning being that I can’t do it.  I hate it when people tell me I can’t do something.

Finally, I need to tell people to stop treating my like shit or acting in ways that hurt my feelings.  I really, really don’t like confrontation, but I’m realizing I don’t like they make me feel more. And I really hate the way I feel when I don’t say anything.  So this is something that I really need to work on because I just want to be happy and there are a few people in my life who make that difficult, and actually a few that I just wish would go away.

So these are my summer goals. Wish me luck.

e.

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unlinked

I decided to stop importing my blog to facebook – although I suppose that was the only way to get anyone to read it.  I dunno, felt like I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, it wasn’t a “safe” space.  I’m not sure what I’m going to say now.  We’ll see.

peace,
e.

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i’m still alive

So ashamed to have written more than one of these “I’m still alive” posts.  But, yeah I’m still alive.

I’ve barely seen anyone in months, except for my classmates and occasionally my family.

So what have I been up to?

  • * painted my room – tried once with Stacey and it was an utter failure (really, really bad).  In our defense, the paint looked white while wet, and the wall was white, so we couldn’t really see what was going on.  Then it dried white, then looked green for maybe 5 minutes and then looked dark blue (fail).  After whining about the color my roommate came home and says “love the blue!” (epic fail).  So I repainted on Valentines Day (yes I did), and the wall still looks white, green or blue depending on the time of day.
  • * presented my very own research at forum entitled in The Social Determinants of Health: A Discussion of the Relationship Between Marriage and Health Outcomes in African-American Communities in Washington, DC.   I was soo nervous, I was literally shaking.  It was crazy!  But I rocked it out.  I even made a joke in the beginning about wife’s keeping their husbands alive and the crowd loved it.  And then I was ok, well, no I was still nervous and speed-talked but then I saw Mincy giving me the slow down sign and then I got control over myself and finished.  I thought about posting the power point, but I don’t know that anyone (other than my mom) would be interested in.
  • * My first chapter, which then turned into my first article is going to be published finally!  Well either in August or September but in the 2010.  I can’t believe it. 2 years and it’s almost over. Oh yeah!
  • * I made (and by made, I mean printed, cut and taped to my wall) this super call wall feature. Pic coming soon.
  • * cooking – I love it.  It saves money.  It’s fun, it’s rewarding.  Unless I cook something bad, because there is always too much, and my roommate never helps me eat the bad stuff (I don’t blame her).  Trying to find low calorie meals that are really tasty is challenging at times, but I’m rolling with it.  Not surprisingly, I find something I like and then eat it every day for 3 weeks straight.  I’m currently going through a grilling phase but I know I shouldn’t each chicken wings every day… but they are so tasty (especially with this new grill seasoning I got). :)
  • * getting healthy – It’s an ongoing process.  My weight yo-yos.  Sometimes I eat super healthy, sometimes I eat crap, some weeks I go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes I skip it all together.  Oh and I keep spraining my ankle, this probably has to do with the fact that I barely do rehab exercises or let it heal fully.  All in all, I try to be forgiving of myself and honestly, that’s always that hard part.
  • * dating, well wouldn’t you like to know? ;-) no but for real, there’s no time for that right now.

next up:

  • * gardening – last summer the apartment a couple of floors below us had this amazing balcony garden.  from the street, it looks amazing.  I don’t know that I want all that, i just want to grow some herbs and hopefully some string beans (it is sooo hard to find good ones).  i really wish i could grow grapefruit ( i have to have them every day).

peace,
e.

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getting my life together, starting with my room

I have two choices at this point: I can either cart my butt up to Harlem every day or I can clean (and reorganize) my room so I can work at home.  Either way, I got a lot of work to get done this year and I need to stop playing Sims and start working.

Unfortunately, here’s what I’m working with.

…yeah. It’s crazy time.

And the worst part is right next to my bed.

*shame face*  But fear not, I have a plan. And a time line, get it done within 6 months (Hey I gotta save for some of what I need).

Keep ya updated.

e.

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i’m still alive

Mostly been busy with school.  For the past few weeks I’ve been reading about black fathers (surprise) in the 19th century.  Not surprisingly, there wasn’t much in the newspapers about Black men as fathers – aside from them murdering their children or their children murdering them (so lame).  In my early research, I kept reading about how Black fathers were abandoning their families and how there’s been a high rate a female headed households in the Black community since slavery ended.  But when I went looking for primary sources to back this up, I couldn’t find any.  In fact, I kept reading about how high the marriage rate was after slavery, how these men were finding and buying their families, it was all gravy.  But then, where the hell did this idea that Black men were peacing out come from?  That’s become my latest obsession becuase I figure someone must have written about that somewhere.  But alas, I can’t find it.  Call it a myth I guess.

Other than school: the Trainer and the diet – Let’s put it this way, I’ve been hungry since Sunday and I am over it.  Yes it’s nice to workout and feel healthy, but for real, being hungry all the time is not fun.  My friend said “If you’re not hungry, you’re not doing it right.”  I believe that.  But I feel like if I’m hungry the numbers on the scale should be dropping – and their not.  Granted, my pants are way looser than they were before, I’ve become obsessed with the number on the scale and I don’t like that.   I also don’t like not enjoying my meals.  There are healthy meals that taste good, I just need to find them and make them.  The trainer put me on a meal plan that’s basically veggies and meat – no real descriptions on how to prepare em.  So I’ve been having baked chicken and broccolli – that got old really quickly.  Tonight, I’m going to try to make this. yum-o.

South Park.  Dear Lord, please let me stop watching South Park (the movie and the show).  It is soo ignornant, but it takes the edge of my days.  That and Sims 2 (it’s like we just rekindled our relationship – hell I might even start LJ blogging about it again).

Ever since I started this blog I’ve been struggling with where to go with it.  I felt it had to have a theme, but I spent so much time worrying about what that theme was that I never actually blog, which is super lame since I do think and care about a lot of things.  So I decided to just write what I like as long as I’m actually writing.

peace,
e.

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growing a pair

Yesterday I did something I’ve been afraid to do all summer – ride my bike on the streets.  Yesterday I rode my bike from house to my best friends house and then to the beach.

As you can see by my expert paint skills, the ride took forever.  An hour of being scared out of my mind by cars zooming by – ok that’s not true.  We spent a large chunk of that time on a bike path, but still.    The ride home took more than an hour I’m sure as by the time we made it to Ave A, I was dying.

My body hurts in places that have never hurt before.   I’ll be icing for days.  But it was worth it.  After we got out of Prospect Park, I rode home alone.  I made it down Classon – a street with no bike lanes – all by myself.

Now to grow a pair when it comes to men…

peace,
e.

p.s. Shout out to Manny and Drew who were very patient with my slow riding and constant whining (and screaming *shame face*).

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vacation. day 1.

This is my first real vacation since 2007.  I am beyond excited to not really have a plan and do a ton of things I want to do – like design my new apartment, make an inspiration board and I’m thinking of making a headboard too – things I need to do – finish the final draft of my first peer-reviewed journal article, focus SASSY, see my family – and just relax.

For my first day of vacation, I was shamed into going to the gym by my roommate (ha) but at the gym I saw my old gym buddy.  After 45 minutes of cardio (and girl talk), we decided to go to the beach.  Since it was a million degrees outside, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but we called up a few other friends and headed over.

It was so relaxing.  We went in the water, we laid out in the sun.  Aside from getting hit by some guy’s umbrella (twice!), it was so peaceful.

Then I came home and made a healthy dinner with my roommate (SASSY post on that coming soon) – roasted portobello caprese salad. yum.  We tried to put together the couch, we were unsuccessful, but at least it’s here.

After that I was exhausted, so I went to bed.

It was an excellent beginning to what is sure to  be an excellent vacation.

peace,
e.

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Look what i just got

just a little back to school present for myself.

Sweet, huh?  It’s by Jess LC and all her stuff is pretty dope.  I’ll be back for more for sure. Check it out.

peace,
e.

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Trying to get my life back

In 6 days i will begin a 3 week vacation.  My first vacation in over two years.  My last vacation was prob my worst with my (ex) boyfriend and lots o drama. So I need to make up for lost time and create some positive memories to associate with vacation.

I have a few goals over those next 3 weeks:

    1. Focus SASSY.  It’s too all over the place.  There’s no structure.  I know it can better.
    2. Finish the edits on the chapter – which has now turned into a journal article.  the editors had the second draft for almost 6 months and returned it yesterday and said they wanted revisions by Augutst 19th.  That wasn’t happening but one of  my coauthors and I are trying to get it out by September 2nd.  Wish us luck!
    3. Do and mega pro and cons list of my two dissertation ideas.  I know I haven’t started the program but if I want to get out in 3 years I need to go in knowing exactly what I want to do.
    4. PhD bootcamp with my cousin who just got her PhD.  (Congrats Leah).  I have no idea of what this entails.
    5. Exercise. a lot.  I know it will help relieve stress and my goal is to put myself on a schedule and make this routine.  Even though I am currently pretty healthy, I know I can do better.
    6. Create a realistic healthier diet.  I just moved and have been eating crap for three weeks.  My body can’t take it anymore.

      That’s all I’ve got for now.  I’ll keep you updated.

      e.

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      27.

      So last week I turned 27.  Normally I don’t feel anything on my birthdays, but this year I felt old.  Too old.  Actually, too old for this shit.

      What is this shit?  Roommate drama and coworker drama.  I literally woke up that morning and said no more and made a plan.  By the end of the day, I had a new roommate and plan to deal with my nemesis.

      I guess old people get things done.

      peace,
      e.

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