rantings

when we don’t care about our children

A friend summarized it best when he said “Boy, when we fail kids, we fail big time.”

What does it say about a community that cares more about football than children and their well-being? What does it say about our society? I have long felt that we don’t care enough about children and we have tons of policies that show that. We fail children all the time. And we fail them in bigger ways every year. I mean, look at the apathy shown to Wang Yue who was run over by a van (twice!) and laid bleeding in the street for over 7 minutes and later died. I know people like to think that would’t happen here, but it’s classic bystander effect in action. And I can’t help but think that a lot of these men held their tongues because they expected someone else to step up and help.

Real talk, I didn’t know who Jerry Sandusky, Tim Curley, Gary Schultz or Joe Paterno were yesterday morning. I had heard whispering about shenanigans at Penn State but didn’t pay attention until yesterday. But I spent most of the day reading and talking about the Penn State scandal and the easiest way to describe my feelings are: totally pissed off.

I read the indictment and almost couldn’t believe what I was reading. Sandusky was caught not once, but twice, in the act of raping children in the showers at Penn by two different grown men who could not get it together enough to call the police.  I can understand that both men where shaken, but what about the children?  I don’t know what I would do if I saw someone being raped in front of me but I hope that I would have enough sense to say something to stop it and then continue having sense and call the police. I’m sure I would call my mother, like then-grad student Mike McQueary, did. But I know my mother, and I know that if I had not already called the police she would talk me through it.  (But I certainly would not work for the same people who traumatized me and ignored the victims like McQueary,who is now an assistant coach for PENN. shady.)

I can understand that people may not know what to do when they know a child is being abused. The only reason why I feel confident about what I would and should do is because I was trained when I got my MSW. (go go social work!) And I realize a lot of people don’t get trained but I’m surprised most of these people in this situation aren’t mandated reporters. In fact, I can’t believe some of them aren’t.  Looking squarely at Schultz.

I also can’t help but wonder if more women had been involved in this process along the way. From what I’ve read, the only two people who have called the authorities were women – Victim 1 and Victim 6′s mom. I don’t know the gender of the official at Victim 1′s high school, but they also called the authorities and banned Sandusky from the school. While Penn State eventually banned Sandusky from bringing children from his organization to the school, there was no way to monitor it and he obviously did not follow this rule.

I can’t help but think of how many more young men he took advantage of. I was reading that child molesters are often caught 16 years after they start and charged with hurting far fewer children than they actually did.  And with all his victims being men, it’s likely that many will not come forward because of shame

I almost can’t believe this happened.  Almost. People ignore child abuse all the time. Unfortunately this is not a special or new situation. And that is the worst part.

e.

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On Daddy Issues

I hate the way people talk about “daddy issues.”

I think the biggest misconception about daddy issues is that people know how to deal with them. It took me easily 15 years to figure out that “dealing” with my father meant forgiving him and accepting him where he was. It took me a few more years to actually be able to do that. And I was lucky (using that term real loosely here) because my father had an excuse I could buy (addiction and PTSD) but more importantly, because he changed. (I wrote about it yesterday.)  I’m only beginning my research on adults and their fathers, but from what I’ve learned so far, this is not the way it always goes.

More often it’s a painful disaster. A few months ago I read Naked With Socks On’s piece about when he confronted his father about why he wasn’t there. His father didn’t have a good answer, he barely had an answer at all. And when that happens you are crushed. Hell, I was crushed and it didn’t happen to me. Another public example is a scene in the documentary the Prep School Negro. Andre visits his father’s house for the first time and confronts his father about what happened, where he’s been, what the deal was. To be honest, watching this scene was like watching a horror movie. I didn’t want to watch because I was scared of what the father would say.  And like NWSO’s father, this guy didn’t have an excuse and it hurt.  It was literally painful to watch.

I think the fear of these scenes becoming a reality is why I think a lot of people avoid having the conversation. What in the world do you say to a parent who wasn’t there and offers no acceptable reason? What do you do with that information? I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what I would do. And my guess is, a lot of you don’t know either.

What was the point of me writing this?  Lately, it seems that everyone fancies themselves experts on fathers and fatherless children.  And frankly most of what I’m reading comes from people who have no idea of what they are talking about.  I also have many, many thoughts on how we talk about women who grew up without their fathers, but that is another post.  I say all this to say that I hope the next time someone wants to tell people to go deal with their daddy issues, they’ll think for one second about what that really means, how much time it takes and how it feels.

To be clear, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t “deal,” I’m saying offer some compassion instead of ordering someone to do it.

peace,
e.

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it’s a wild world

I made a new friend last week and she suggested I watch Skins (British, not MTV) because it was addictive and she was now obsessed with it.  I can understand show addiction (south park anyone?) but I kept forgetting to watch it.  She reminded me again on Thursday and I’ve been watching it on netflix ever since.  She was not kidding, I’ve been up til 3 am for the past two days watching it.  I made it through two seasons already but I wanted to talk about one scene that really struck me.  It was in the season one finale, and it’s involves Maxxie (the only openly gay kid in the grew), Anwar (the Packistani muslim) and his father.  I guess this may be a spoiler but the show aired in 2007, so meh.

Anyway, Maxxie and Anwar got into a huge fight because Anwar suddenly decided he couldn’t be cool with Maxxie being gay based on religious reasons and Maxxie wasn’t going to have that from an alchol-drinking, drug-taking, premarital-sexing-having hypocrite.  On Anwar’s birthday, Maxxie calls to wish him a happy birthday.  Anwar invites him to the party but Maxxie won’t come unless Anwar is honest with his parents and tells them that he is gay.  Understandable, Anwar is hesitant.

Throughout the episode Anwar’s dad asks him Maxxie, where is he and how much he likes him. Anwar can’t spit it out.  Later Maxxie stands outside the party but won’t go in.  Anwars looks for him but doesn’t see him.  Later Anwar calls Maxxie to share some good news and finds him outside.  Maxxie still won’t come inside.  Just then the dad comes out and talks to Maxxie, and this is when Anwar finally gets the balls to tell his dad Maxxie is gay.  His talks talks right over this, so Maxxie tells him himself.  His dad pauses, smiles and then says:

It’s a fucking, stupid, messed up world.  I’ve got my God, he speaks to me every day.  Some things I just can’t work out, so I leave them be.  OK?  Even if I think they are wrong because I know one day he’ll make me understand.  I’ve got that trust.  It’s called belief.  I’m a lucky man.

Now I know, I know, it’s just TV.  But I’ve just got to hope that some time soon more people can take this attitude.  You don’t have to like it, but let it be.  And maybe if you’re mature enough, you can try to understand it.  When I think of David Katu and other gay people in Uganda and other African countries, people having to prove their gayness to stay in America, hell, adults making fun of the princess boy, I get so sad.  All this hatred and violence, based on religious ideals, because people can’t put enough faith in their God and  that he has a plan that it’ll all make sense some day.  It’s wild, wild world dude.

peace,
e.

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when we won’t take care of poor women

So by now I’m sure you’ve hear of Dr. Gosnell and his house of horrors.

The other night I spent a few hours reading through the grand jury report about the case.  To put it midly, it is horrifying.  Dr. Gosnell has been running this sorry excuse for a medical center for approximately 30 years.  What really surprises me is that he was busted for drugs – not for murdering Karnamaya Mongar in 2009, not for running an abortion clinic so terrible that local agencies stopped referring clients to him, but for being the third largest oxycotin distributer in the state.

We all know that America doesn’t care about poor people and immigrants, but really?

And while I’m sure pro-lifers are going to jump all over this, the issue really is not abortion.  Late term abortion is illegal.  But what Dr. Gosnell was doing wasn’t abortion, it was murder.  In late term abortions, the fetus never gets a chance to breath.  It is killed before it fully exits its mother’s body.  But not at The Women’s Medical Society.  The grand jury reports numerous live births, in some cases the infants were alive for up to twenty minutes before Dr. Gosnell and his staff murdered them.  And the murders were barbaric – snipping spinal cords with scissors?  There are better ways, hell we put down stray animals more humanely than that.

Initially I was confused how mothers could sit by and watch that. Surely you don’t need that much education to understand how Dr. Gosnell was performing these abortions was incorrect.  But then I read about how his untrained staff administered the anestesia and tried to keep the women knocked out during the births so that they would be still and quiet.  Apparently the running practice was to get the women in during the day, induce labor and have them sit around the office all day until the doctor came in at night to finish the job.  By the time the doctor came, some women had already given birth.

The whole thing is a nightmare.  I’m sad for the women who had no other options but to go to this doctor.  He overcharged them, hid his numerous mistakes (like leaving pieces of aborted fetuses inside the women’s bodies and puncturing internal organs) and kept them from getting any real medical help when they were in trouble (in the grand jury report there are at least 2 instances), and he murdered two women.  I would have thought one woman dying in his clinic would have been enough for a thorough review of the clinic, but no.  Apparently some people had reported the clinic to [], but no one followed up.

While I would like to imagine the Dr. Gosnell is the only doctor who preys on poor women, I know he is not.  I’m scared for other doctors that continue to fly under the radar.  While I can appreciate a doctor breaking the law to help someone in need, I cannot appreciate what Dr. Gosnell did.  I know that the new health care bill does not include provisions to immigrants, but hopefully low-income women can get assistance they need in a sanitary, safe  and caring environment.

peace,
e.

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thank you “i see his penis out” woman

I kept seeing links to the video all week and finally decided to check it out this morning.  Long story short, some asshole rubbed his condom-covered peen on a woman in a not crowded subway and she was not having it.

I thank her for it.

I’ve lived in New York for about five years now.  Thankfully no one has felt the urge to expose them self to me, but like most other women, I am constantly harassed walking down the street.  I try to keep it civil. For example, if a man says I’m beautiful, I’ll say “Thank you.”  Not because I am thankful that he paid a compliment, but because if I don’t say anything I will inevitably get hit with “Why you so saditty?” “You’re not that cute anyway!” or the ever classic “Bitch.” *rolls eyes*

Anyway, I’ve become pretty numb to this weak holleration, but what happened to me on Saturday night still bothers me.  I was walking to a party (just stop, I don’t want to hear about how I should not be parading around Brooklyn at night) and I’m waiting on the corner of Washington and St. Marks and this man comes up to me and tells me I’m beautiful.  Blah blah, I say thanks and turn back to the street.  I’m wearing my headphones but I can tell he’s still talking.  I take one ear piece out to hear better.  In retrospect, I should have just kept the headphone in and continued to ignore him.  He repeats what he said and I make the fatal error of asking him what did he just say because I can’t believe he just said what I thought he did.  But sure enough he really did say “I would love to eat your p*ssy out.”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell?! Seriously?  When did this become the hot pick up line?

So I’m stuck at the longest light ever and this dude continues to talk about my no-no area, about how pretty it is, about how he’d have me limping in the morning and continuing to tell me that he’d eat it up, because apparently, that is the ultimate compliment he can pay.

I really wish I could have snapped back into reality and say all the things I wanted to say.  I wish I would have told him that my very pretty pink petal is definately out of his league and he needs to take all this wack game somewhere else.  Alas, all I could muster up is “Wow, that is crazy inappropriate” and continue my prayer to stop light gods that that light would finally turn red so I could run away.

The light finally turns red, I literally run across the street.  All the while, this guy is now yelling about how beautiful my vagina is. *sigh*

While holla back has been trying to fight street harassment for years, the reality is that legislation is not going to stop it.  Other easy answers, such as telling parents to raise their sons better, or telling women to not engage these men so they aren’t confused into thinking this constant harassment is a compliment that makes women feel good, are also not the ultimate solution.  In fact, I’m not really sure what is the answer.

What I do know is that next man that decides he’s going to disrespect and humiliate me like that will get a hell of a lot more than “wow, that is crazy inappropriate.”

peace,
e.

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disturbing news

The more I watch the news, the more worried I become about our youth.  Last month it was the brutal murder of Derrion Albert.  Yesterday it was the gang rape (and beating) of a 15 year old at Richmond High School.  The crimes themselves are disturbing enough.  The bystander effect hurts my soul.  There have been many studies showing that the more people witnessing an act of violence, the less likely anyone is to help.  It’s scary to know that if I’m being attacked, it might actually be better if only one other person is around as opposed to a crowd of people.  I can understand some of  the rationalizations of why people don’t jump in and help.  But what I cannot understand is why some people would join in on the violence.  CNN reported that as word spread about what was going on outside the dance, more people came to watch and some people joined in.  That is just sick.

Today CNN posted a follow up of the victim’s friend giving it to the school.  Granted,  she spends most of her time talking about how she is a minority at the school, how she doesn’t feel safe and how another school (that is mostly White and Asian) has more security and handled a similar situation in a much different (read: better) way.  From what Kami Baker says, I imagine the victim is White or Asian.  If she’s White, it’s a wrap for these dudes, who I’m imagining are mostly men of color.

As is usual in cases of violence against women, other students are blaming the victim – ugh. I’m so done. I don’t care if she was drunk.  I don’t care that she wasn’t popular.  It’s not an excuse.  I get it, blaming the victim takes the responsibility off the bystanders and other people.  It’s still fucked up.  I was watching another video where a chaperon was shirking any responsibility claiming that if she left, it was her and her parent’s responsibility to make sure she got home safely.  That’s fair, but this girl did not even make it off school grounds.  In my opinion, if she still’s at school, she’s still your responsibility.  It was a 2.5 hour gang rape. That is a long time.  And if word got around to all these kids, I don’t believe that no chaperon, security guard or police officer saw all these kids running to this random alleyway.

I don’t understand rape, I wouldn’t know else what to write.

peace,
e.

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Is Palin for real?

Because I just can’t take it anymore.

The $150K on bad suits. And then saying that it couldn’t have been that much.

Her makeup artist being the highest paid McCain staffer?

Her dissing the interational research community by joking about research on fruit flies.

Her ignorance of what exactly the vice president does?

She can’t be for real. I refuse to believe it.

And while I’m talking about crazy, Ashley Todd.  Where could I begin? Where would I stop.  White people, when you fuck up, please stop blaming the black guy. It’s old.

Oh and McCain, tell your brother to bring it in.

peace,
e.

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