fathers

I love it when you talk Daddy to me

I must say, nothing makes me happier than hearing about my friends’ children. But my real joy comes when it’s my male friends doing the talking. I don’t know what’s so special about men doing what I’ve started to call “talking Daddy,” but I just can’t get enough. Luckily for me, a quick trip to facebook normally provides my fix. And if that doesn’t work, I simply have to ask my friend Jose how his son is and squeal when his answer is something super sweet like “delicious.” I almost can’t take it anymore.

I love when my friends tell me how their infant does something new or totally unexpected. I love watching videos of babies who have no idea how precious they are as they fall asleep while their parents try to get them to dance to songs. Or even simply little observations of their cognitive development. My favorite is when fathers tell me their child is their new best friend. I eat it up.

Something tragic happened to one of my closest friends, and yet even still, everything cool thing he does, he says it’s for his son. And even in private conversations, I can hear how this child who left the earth too soon has changed his life. My friend still talks Daddy to me.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by how much I enjoy Daddy talk given my field of research. I literally read and write about fathers all day long. And I find when I talk about my research, I spend a lot of time debunking this idea that fathers that aren’t married to the mother’s of their children aren’t around and that they can’t be good fathers. And I spend the most time talking about Black fathers. Man, they get a bad rap for no reason. Especially when the research shows that as nonresident fathers, they are the most likely to actually be involved with their children.

It was with this understanding that I was totally annoyed when Courtland Milloy came out his face talking about Trayvon Martin and asking where Trayvon’s father was and why his mother was the one leading the charge for justice for her son. I mean, has he watched any of the press conferences? Tracy Martin is always there next to Sybrina Fulton. I mean, Travyon was visiting his father to get his priorities back on track when he was murdered. The next week, Milloy apologized… sort of. I get it, he’s writing about what he sees, or rather what he thinks he sees.

But this selective vision is the problem.  We really have got to stop assuming fathers aren’t around. We need to stop for one second and realize that we’re surrounded by many men talking Daddy to us. We need to start listening.

e.

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confessions of a chick who was in denial of her daddy issues

I’ve been thinking a lot about daddy issues.

I’ve always try to avoid thinking of myself as having daddy issues and thinking about the ways they affect my relationships.  But I think it’s time for me to really think about what’s happening and what I can do about it. I’ve always been a huge proponent of  the “grow the fuck up and get over it” method when it comes to daddy issues, but I can’t seem to get over it and I can’t stop making the same mistakes over and over.  And I’m ashamed of that.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend who is getting a divorce.  She said she was worried about her daughter and she said she thought of me.  That made me sad and embarrassed; it’s like the poster child of daughters without fathers. That’s not what I want to be. I never wanted that to define me.

For me, as a child of a single parent, I overcame every obstacle in front of me except for when it comes to relationships and marriage.  When I was younger, I imagined that I would meet my husband in grad school and we would get married.  By the time I was a third or fourth in my PhD program (read: now), I would be pregnant so that I would not have to miss any time once I started working.  But in reality it didn’t work out that way. And honestly you can’t plan a future that involves someone else without that someone else. And so now I’m wondering what do I plan and can I even plan it. I’m leaning towards no and that scares me.

A friend once try to understand my relationship with my father and assumed that he put me down and that is why I make these bad that relationship decisions.  But in reality, I don’t think my father has ever even scolded me and he always is bragging about how great I am. My father always tells me that he loves me and my father always is affectionate. He’s just not always around.

In my research on nonresident daughters and in the few interviews I’ve conducted, I’ve found that a lot of us would chase our fathers around when we were younger. That we would make sure he was in our lives by literally tracking him down every time he disappeared and making him come back or talk to us. And so we are now well equipped to deal with boyfriends and husbands who disappear when they want to. We are experts at chasing men around because we’ve been doing it since we were children. And I think that part, perhaps, is almost more comfortable to me at this point then healthy functioning relationship. I know what to do with the man disappears I don’t know what to do when a man is present and attentive. It freaks me out. And I know that everything I just said sounds totally crazy to people who can function in healthy relationships, which is normally people who grew up with their father’s people.

Believe me no one wants me to get over my daddy issues more than me.  I can recognize when I’m doing things that aren’t healthy.

Another thing my friend said to me about the divorce was that she was afraid that this is teaching her children not to advocate for what they want from their father, or really from anyone, because they might leave you if you do.  I had to sit and think about that for a minute because I never realized how much I believe that. It’s funny (but not really), that this situation just happened to me this weekend when I told my not-boyfriend what I wanted from him and he disappeared.  And I’m thinking about how pervasive that is in my life and how I always had a hard time verbalizing to people what I need because I was always afraid. And it makes me angry to think that fear of advocating for what I want and consequently getting what I want came from my father. It’s a tough pill to swallow. Although I know I’ll never get what I want if I don’t ask, I have had so many experiences where I don’t get anything even if I do ask. Now I’m sitting here wondering how do I change that.

My friends always say if you ask the guy for what you want him he’s not willing to give it to you to leave him. Logically I understand that.  The plan is not to stay with someone that can’t (or won’t) give you what you need, but in the end you’re alone. Where we differ is that the thought of being alone doesn’t scare them as much as it scares me.  Their logic is that there’s always someone else and so don’t worry about that.  But I also don’t have the belief that someone is right around the corner, even though in my life normally someone who has been. I guess this is the first time I’ve actually thought it about it that way (hello breakthrough).

e.

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On Daddy Issues

I hate the way people talk about “daddy issues.”

I think the biggest misconception about daddy issues is that people know how to deal with them. It took me easily 15 years to figure out that “dealing” with my father meant forgiving him and accepting him where he was. It took me a few more years to actually be able to do that. And I was lucky (using that term real loosely here) because my father had an excuse I could buy (addiction and PTSD) but more importantly, because he changed. (I wrote about it yesterday.)  I’m only beginning my research on adults and their fathers, but from what I’ve learned so far, this is not the way it always goes.

More often it’s a painful disaster. A few months ago I read Naked With Socks On’s piece about when he confronted his father about why he wasn’t there. His father didn’t have a good answer, he barely had an answer at all. And when that happens you are crushed. Hell, I was crushed and it didn’t happen to me. Another public example is a scene in the documentary the Prep School Negro. Andre visits his father’s house for the first time and confronts his father about what happened, where he’s been, what the deal was. To be honest, watching this scene was like watching a horror movie. I didn’t want to watch because I was scared of what the father would say.  And like NWSO’s father, this guy didn’t have an excuse and it hurt.  It was literally painful to watch.

I think the fear of these scenes becoming a reality is why I think a lot of people avoid having the conversation. What in the world do you say to a parent who wasn’t there and offers no acceptable reason? What do you do with that information? I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what I would do. And my guess is, a lot of you don’t know either.

What was the point of me writing this?  Lately, it seems that everyone fancies themselves experts on fathers and fatherless children.  And frankly most of what I’m reading comes from people who have no idea of what they are talking about.  I also have many, many thoughts on how we talk about women who grew up without their fathers, but that is another post.  I say all this to say that I hope the next time someone wants to tell people to go deal with their daddy issues, they’ll think for one second about what that really means, how much time it takes and how it feels.

To be clear, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t “deal,” I’m saying offer some compassion instead of ordering someone to do it.

peace,
e.

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my father and me

This something I’ve been meaning to write forever. It looks like I first tried to write this last June and I’ve come back to see that I only wrote two sentences (and I’m not even going to use them). I want to write more about fatherhood in general, but I figured it would make sense to start with me and my father’s story.

But it starts before I even got here. My mother and father don’t agree much on the details of how they met but from what I can gather, my mother came to California, met my father and they fell in love. Like for real love, they got engaged and bought a house. Then my father messed up big time (“groupies” according to my dad and drugs, bad combo) and my mother left him. After she had me, she moved back to Connecticut. And since my father loved both of us, he followed. Since he didn’t know anyone in CT, he couldn’t get drugs and so he got clean.

For a while we all lived together with my grandmother. My mother’s work required her to travel a lot, so I spent most of my early years with my father and my grandmother. Eventually my mom was able to spend more time in CT, enough to buy a house and we were a “regular” family. I’m not sure what happened, but my father moved out but we still hung out all the time. I was the ultimate daddy’s girl and it was awesome. He spoiled me rotten and I loved it. Whatever I wanted I got and I got used to it.

When I was nine, my mother told me she was going to have a baby (with her husband, not my dad). That’s when my father decided to tell me that he had just had a baby with some woman I never met and that I had a six month old brother.

Somewhere along the way my dad started doing drugs again. His visits became more sporadic and when we hung out it was sometimes with real shady people and sketchy situations. I was also getting older, so I was more aware of what going on, but for the most part everything was cool.

Then my dad started going to jail. The first time was devastating. I remember hiding in the closet and crying. But after that, I began to look forward to my dad going to jail because when he was in jail he called and wrote all the time. And when he was out, he was gone.

During another stint in jail, the woman he had my brother with had a little girl. She was born addicted to crack and was placed for adoption. I only met her once, the day after she was born. And then she was gone.

Though I was getting frustrated with my father around this time, I was not done with him. I figured eventually he would clean up and get his life together. He had kids and all these mistakes had costs. But my father couldn’t clean up. My breaking point came when he missed my high school graduation. Later he told me that he was high and didn’t want to see me in that state. But I didn’t know then and that was the first time I cut him off.

Through all of this, mother has always remained calm. She never says anything negative about my father and his shenanigans. And whenever I talk crazy about his, she reminds me that he is my father. I’ve always admired this about her because if some man was driving my children crazy, it would be all over for him.

I don’t remember how, but we reconciled. I didn’t trust him and I barely liked him but I still loved him. My mother made me invite him to my college graduation. He came and was so proud you would have thought he had anything to do with my success there. It infuriated me.

The next few years were strained. I was going through my own stuff and didn’t want to deal with my father’s. I can’t remember now what happened, (I’m sure it had something to do with the truly awful man that I was dating) but I decided that I needed to deal with my father and our issues before it ruined any chance I had at obtaining and maintaining a function romantic relationship. So I wrote him a letter. It said three things: 1. You don’t know me, you haven’t made an effort, so I’m going to tell you who I am, 2. You’re either in or out. I’m not going to continue to chase you around and beg you to act like a father. You either do it on your own and leave me the hell alone and 3. You are not going to be the reason I don’t get married.

To be honest, I didn’t expect an answer. But my father, ever full of surprises, wrote me back and sent a packet of other stuff. He said he was sorry. He said he had been clean for a year and was diagnosed with PTSD. He had been in therapy and was back to drawing again. He sent me all the information he had about my sister. He sent me info about veteran benefits for children (way too late as I was 25 but it would help my brother). And he said I was right. I was finally able to forgive him.

He started to call me. If we had plans to meet, you better believe he was there. And for that I am grateful.

Our relationship now is not perfect but it’s much better. I have accepted my father for who is. I can see who he is. And I am ok with that. He’s never going to be Bill Cosby.   He’s never going to be the man to financially bail me out of situations.  But he is the man who will come down to to New York year after year and move me to different apartments, even mice filled ones that scare both of us. He’s the man that tells me I’m beautiful, smart, funny, insert positive adjective here when I need to hear it. He’s the man that helps me calm down because he’s incapable of not seeing the bright side to a situation.  He’s the man that makes me laugh.  He is my father.

e.

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the right to be a father?

While everyone was in a huff over Lebron going to Miami, I was getting worked up about Leicester Bryce Stovell claiming to be his father and suing him and his mother for $4,000,000.  As I said on twitter, “nothing says I love you son like suing him and his mother for millions.” :-/

The long and short of the story is that Mr. Stovell claims he met Lebron’s mother when she was 15 (and he was 29, gross), they have bad sex and later she told him she was pregnant.  He never directly asks her if the baby is his, nor does she ever confirm his suspicion.  He told her if the baby is his make sure he plays basketball.  She said “ok.”  This statement and the fact that he believes they look alike (they really don’t) are the reasons why he believes Lebron is his.  In spite of his mother’s wishes, Lebron did participate in a paternity test with his father and the results concluded that Leicester was not the father.  But Mr. Stovell wasn’t going out like that and insists that the results were tampered with.

Which got me to thinking?  At what point do you lose your “right” to be a father?  It always makes me angry when I hear about celebrities who grew up with their fathers and then as soon as they make it big, here goes dad.  We saw this with Oprah, who wouldn’t even give the latest contender the time of day.  Is there a statue of limiations on when you come back into a kid’s life?  And do they have to let you back in?  To that last question, I give a resounding no.  I think that if you neglect your child until adulthood, you cannot roll back in their live and try to play parent.  It doesn’t work that way.  As a friend says, “if you aren’t there for the grind, you can’t be there for the shine.”  Or something like that.

Even if this man is Lebron’s father, which I don’t think he is, what does he deserve? What’s his prize for doing what he should have done 20-something years ago? So you’re the father, now we all have a face to the absent father who did absolutely nothing but contribute some genes to this man’s success.  That does not earn you $4 mil.  I don’t think it’s slander to say you weren’t there because you weren’t there.  He needs to go to the hood and mentor some kids or something – or take the good Princeton education and tutor someone, but please, leave Lebron and his mother alone.  They do not owe you anything.

Very Smart Brothas also wrote about this issue – but talking about how Lebron reminds that men can have daddy issues too.  Good read, check it out.

peace,
e.

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Working Paper: Daughters and their Relationship with their Nonresident Fathers

I figured since I’m going to Cool Kids PhD Club retreat next weekend and I had to submit a working paper, might as well drop it off here if anyone’s inclined to read and/or comment.

Daughters and their Relationship with their Nonresident Fathers (working title too).

Enjoy.

peace,
e.

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Day 3: Thoughts on Interviews… and fathers

I read somewhere that A Belle in Brooklyn writes all her posts on her Blackberry. Since I have an hour commute to work I figured I’d give it a shot. And I really need to write since I’ve already  fallen off my write every day wagon. #weak

At any rate, I’ve been thinking a lot about these interviews I’m doing (hopefully for my  dissertation). So far I’ve only done and to be honest I was not prepared for what I heard and how I felt afterwards.  I’m interviewing daughters who grew up in different households and I’m
trying to explore how they maintained these relationships, what these relationships are like now and if these relationships have affected their dating habit and/or sexual behavior.

I know what my “daddy story” is and have been thinking about blogging that just to get it out of my system and to just sit and think about what it is to me and how it’s affecting my research.  But that’s another post ;-)

Anyway, what’s surprised me most about these interviews is how sad they make me.  Granted there were a lot of sad parts in the interview, the sadness I felt is most likely my own shit rather than empathy.  It just boggles the mind how fathers can disappear and move on with life
so easily – especially when their own fathers weren’t there. They know what it feels like, and at some point they must have said “I’m never going to do that to my child.” And yet the pattern continues.

At some point, I’d like to interview the fathers. Not sure how well that would work out. Probably like how it is when Oprah interviews child molestors.  She can’t be cool, she barely holds it together and you can just feel her disdain for them.  Maybe my emotions aren’t that
strong, but I would be going in with judgment and emotion. That doesn’t mix well with science.

Back to the interview. It helped me form a hypothesis about how these relationships are maintained.  I’m going to see if these next two relationships confirm the pattern.  It’s exciting.

peace,
e

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every Black man’s worst nightmare

The title alone makes me cringe: Childless man freed after serving time for child support violations.

Yeah read that again, this dude has no kids and has gone to jail, no once, but TWICE over child support violations.  Basically what happened was dude was with some chick, she got pregnant and told him it was his.  They break up shortly thereafter.  She goes after child support (or if she was on public assistance, the state went after child support).  Like many low-income men, he couldn’t keep up with the child support payments and the state threw his butt in jail (that law is so dumb, but that’s another post).    Then he got out, got a job and couldn’t pay again and then went to jail again.  13 years later he hears whispers that he might not be the father and decided to take a DNA test.   So eventually Mr. Haltey take 2 paternity tests and it’s concluded that the child is not his.  It’s good in the hood right? No, Mr. Hatley still has to pay his back child support even through the child isn’t his.  Why?  Because he signed a consent agreement to pay child support back when he thought the child was his.  The court is holding him to that, so he has to pay more than $16,000 in back child support.

How could this happen?  It’s actually really easy.  All you really need to do to establish paternity is pay a small fee to get your name on a birth certificate.  I’m not aware that you actually need to have a DNA test to do this.  So if you’re messing around and aren’t sure where your seeds are growing, you too could get caught up.

My biggest problem with the article is that it assumers that if you’re aren’t paying child support you’re a deadbeat dad.  I hang around a lot of fatherhood researchers, and they call it something else: dead broke.  I think most men would gladly pay child support if they were earning a decent salary.  I was watching this documentary and this man said by the time they took child support out of his pay check, he had $0.16 left.  You just can’t live off of that.  And even though it is selfish, to want to put food in your mouth over child’s, I get it.

All in all, I’m glad Mr. Hatley is out of jail but let this be a cautionary tale.  Fellas, be aware of what’s going on.  If you don’t think you can afford 18 years of child support payments, or just don’t want to pay them, wrap it up and call it a day.  Ladies, when telling men that the child is theirs, please be sure you actually know who the father is.  Fellas, if you aren’t sure they child is yours, please get a DNA test.  Yes, I will still call you a dick for putting a pregnant woman through the drama that is men figuring out who the father is, we will all be happy in the  end when we know who the actual father is.  As you can see, if you make a mistake with this, you’re stuck with the consequences.

peace,
e.

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Another reason I love Obama

Man, a President who supports responsible fatherhood makes me so happy!

President Obama wrote an article about being a good father for Parade Magazine.  Read the entire article here.

peace,
e.

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Roland Martin puts fathers on blast

Fathers, and pretty much anyone that deals with them.

I’ve called on pastors nationwide to stop the stream of momma, grandmother, aunts and female cousins coming to the altar for baby dedications with no man in sight. That pastor should say, “Until I personally meet with the father, I will not dedicate this child.” Somebody has to hold that man accountable for his actions.

It’s time that men hold their “boys” accountable. Actor Hill Harper had a friend who once said that he hadn’t seen his child in some time, but he found time to play basketball with Harper. Hill said, “Unless you call your child now, we can’t play ball.” See, Hill had to force him to accept his responsibilities.

I’m down for men holding other men accountable.  Not sure how I feel about pastors refusing to baptize kids.  It’s not the kid’s fault the parents don’t get along and the dad wants to disappear.

I mean we even got kids trying to hold their dads accountable.  Al B. Sure’s son wrote him two public letters, and the fool still hasn’t even responded. lame.  ABS, do better dude.

But for real, I think men should hold themselves accountable.  I don’t know that I would want my dad to acknowledge me solely because his friends won’t ball with him anymore.  I want my dad around because he is my dad, because he loves me and because he wants to be there.

peace,
e.

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