I love when my friends tell me how their infant does something new or totally unexpected. I love watching videos of babies who have no idea how precious they are as they fall asleep while their parents try to get them to dance to songs. Or even simply little observations of their cognitive development. My favorite is when fathers tell me their child is their new best friend. I eat it up.

Something tragic happened to one of my closest friends, and yet even still, everything cool thing he does, he says it’s for his son. And even in private conversations, I can hear how this child who left the earth too soon has changed his life. My friend still talks Daddy to me.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by how much I enjoy Daddy talk given my field of research. I literally read and write about fathers all day long. And I find when I talk about my research, I spend a lot of time debunking this idea that fathers that aren’t married to the mother’s of their children aren’t around and that they can’t be good fathers. And I spend the most time talking about Black fathers. Man, they get a bad rap for no reason. Especially when the research shows that as nonresident fathers, they are the most likely to actually be involved with their children.

It was with this understanding that I was totally annoyed when Courtland Milloy came out his face talking about Trayvon Martin and asking where Trayvon’s father was and why his mother was the one leading the charge for justice for her son. I mean, has he watched any of the press conferences? Tracy Martin is always there next to Sybrina Fulton. I mean, Travyon was visiting his father to get his priorities back on track when he was murdered. The next week, Milloy apologized… sort of. I get it, he’s writing about what he sees, or rather what he thinks he sees.

But this selective vision is the problem.  We really have got to stop assuming fathers aren’t around. We need to stop for one second and realize that we’re surrounded by many men talking Daddy to us. We need to start listening.

e.

The more I read the news, the more I realize it’s important to recognize that Black men are important.  I think we need to say this out loud more often.  And I need you to believe it when we say it.

You guys are dying every day and it’s crazy – beating each other to death with rail road ties just because, shooting each over over turf, killing each other because one is gay, over medicating yourselves with drugs, or committing suicide.  You are being killed every day – by each other and by the police (40 taser deaths this year jeez).

Black men you need to reach out to Black boys.  They need guidance, and as much as us women try to lead them down the right path, we know you can connect with them in ways we cannot.  I respect this bond and wish more of you would cultivate these relationships with your brothers, son, nephew, cousins, mentees and neighbors. You need to show them that there is nothing cool about burying your friends, killing your enemies, fighting over petty shit like shoes or colors… or even girls.

Black fathers you need to talk to your sons.  Even if you hate your baby momma, you need to leave her and stay with your children.  You need to show them what a functional relationship looks like.  You need to show them how amazing a father’s love it.  You need to encourage them to do the right thing, even when you haven’t yourself.  You need to support them – even when they aren’t athletic, even when they are over weight, even when they aren’t macho, even when they are gay.

Black men we need you.  You are our fathers – our relationship with you is supposed to inform our relationship with men in the future.  How you treat our mothers shows us how we should be treated in the future.  You are suppose to protect us from people that want to harm us.  You are our brothers.  You are our confidants.  You are our friends.  You are our lovers.  You are our husbands.

I hope to marry one of you  someday.  I hope to have children with one of you someday.  I hope to grow old with one of you someday.

I know it’s not easy to be you, but we need you are around.  Black men, you are important. You need to realize this and I hope you do before it’s too late.

peace,
e.

The way my friends talk about it it seems like you need to be afraid of all black men. But in the documentary all the men that were on the downloads were pretty feminine, and although that is stereotypical to assume that feminine man are all gay was true for the men in this film.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not advocating that all feminine men are gay or bisexual, but it was a relief to know that all the DL men aren’t parading around as super street hard-core manly men, and that it might be easier to spot a DL than originally was thougt.

I need to formulate my thoughts on this one some more.

e.

Anywhoo, during the madness of the past month I stumbled upon a TV show called Noah’s Arc.  Noah’s Arc is a Black gay sex and the city.  I cannot stop watching this show (on netflix, it’s totally off the air).   There are many things I love about this show.  For one, it features different types of Black men.  They don’t all look the same, they don’t act the same, they don’t the same, they don’t deal with the same issues. I love the diversity.  There’s the intellectual college professor who is a little uptight, there’s the super free spirit, who is a little too free with his body, there’s the mama/diva and then there’s the niave screenwriter.  The show deals with coming out, AIDS, homophobia, issues within the gay community re: acting feminine, gay marriage, childen, and of course relationships.

Another thing I love about the show is the way it portrays fathers.  *spoiler alert* When Chance and Eddie break up the first time, Chance keeps his commitment to Eddie’s daugher.  He made it a point to still be in her life.  The show doesn’t spend a lot of time on it, but I thought it was so important to show a Black man being commited to a child, especially one that was not biologically his.  In season 2 and in the movie, two other couples ponder adoption. I think this is so important as the dominant view of Black men and fatherhood is that it’s something Black men are afraid of and avoid.

The show is not perfect, the acting is not the best.  But the show is hilarious and really touches upon a lot of important issues, not only for the gay audience but the straight as well.  I encourage you to watch it on netfilix or logonline.com.

peace,
e.

The story: around 2 am on New Years a few brown men were pulled off the train for an altercation.  some were handcuffed, others weren’t.  among those not handcuffed was 22 year old Oscar Grant.  Apparently Mr. Grant was pleaded with the cops to not taser him, when they put him face down on the ground and shot him.  Don’t believe me?  It was caught on tape by two different people.

Granted it’s on a camera phone, you can still clearly see a cop holding Oscar down and another cop shotting him.  What’s more crazy is that are MAD people watching, inside the train and on the platform.  It’s just soo brazen I can’t believe it.

Of course the cops are trying to argue that he was trying to pull out his taser gun and mistakenly  pulled out a gun.  I’m sorry but a taser gun looks different than a real gun.  Very different.  And the worse part is that like Rodney King, these cops will probably be acquitted.

I finally found the story on CNN.  Do a search for Oscar Grant and the first story is how the cop is getting death threats.  Then you see the story about Oscar himself.  Enough.  American needs to start caring about  Black men anf it needs to start now.

e.

cross posted at SASSY

When J was born, his parents were married and they lived in the suburbs.  His father, who once had his shit together, was beginning to crumble.  First he lost his job, then he turned to drinking, then he became an alcoholic.  Or maybe he was one all along, it’s difficult to tell if he was a functioning alcoholing who lose control or if his binges were the result of depression from being another mouth to feed instead of the provider.  At any rate, his drinking got out of control and J’s mom divorced him.  Since she had been the sole bread winner, the family’s financial situation didn’t change when J’s dad moved out.

Because of her fear of his abusive and violent behavior when drunk, J’s mother moved the family and refused to tell J’s dad where they lived.  She still took J to see his father very regularly and he grew up knowing his parents loved him.  He went to Montessori, then public school, then charter school for middle school and finally independent schools for high school.  Although J was popular, he never really had many friends.  For sure he didn’t have one truly close best friend.  Maybe that’s where the trouble starts?

As with most boys, J was a little troublesome.  Although he annoyed his sister a lot and talked back under his breath, there wasn’t anything really remarkable about his behavior as a child.  He was the baby and therefore was totally spoiled.

No one really noticed anything until he got to high school.  Suddenly J was a thug.  He was talking back, he got into fights and suddently he knew just a little too much about gangs.  He confided in his sister that the bloods wanted him but she figured he was just a suburban kid trying to act tough and that nothing would come of it.  Unfortuanately she could have been more wrong.  While she was correct about him not  joining because he didn’t want to get beat up, no one was clear how involved he was in this mess.  Suddently he needed protection, so he hung with tough kids to protect himself.  He still got into fights but it probably wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

His family should have been worried when he started sleeping all day and all night.  When punishments just didn’t seem to matter.  When his grades started to slip.  When he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to keep playing basketball.  When he started screaming and stepping to his family.  When he pushed his mother.  All these signs and nothing really happened for two year.  Finally, J transferred to a Christian school where he was surprised everyone was so nice to him.  His grades started to improve but his attitude still sucked.

He had a rage in him and no one could figure out why was J so mad.  For real, why in the world was J so mad.  His mother felt she had done all that she could.  His sister tried to be there for him.  Even his father tried to intervene, but J was gone.

A couple of weeks ago, J took his mother’s car in the early hours of the morning to deliver a package for that gang.  He said he had to do it because he was on their hit list and this was his way to make ammends.  He delievered the package but on the way home he was stopped because one of his headlights was out.  Besides that fact that he was out after Windsor’s curfew, he also was driving with out a license.  So J got a ticket and was told that if he was ever caught diving without a license he would never get his licence.  This doesn’t seem to faze him much, as with everything else these days, he simply doesn’t care.

J’s family worries about his safety.  They can’t tell if it’s pride, denial or stupidity that allows J to think that everything’s ok.  We all wonder, what in the world happened to J and is he going to get it together in time to get his life back on track.

peace,
e.

The icon of the “undeserving poor,” by contrast, has always been the able-bodied man. Although some programs in the New Deal and the War on Poverty provided them with jobs and training, social welfare policy has otherwise largely ignored men. One practical reason is that as a rule, aid to children – the paragons of vulnerability – has been channeled through mothers. Equally potent, though, is the longstanding cultural belief that men, barring economic disasters, should be able to take care of themselves. Today, especially, low-income men have an image problem. Many are convicts and “deadbeat dads,” widely seen as deserving blame, not bailouts.

But according to a new wave of thinking, the next front in the fight against poverty should consist of policies aimed at these very individuals. Experts say that poor men, caught in profound economic and social changes, now number among society’s most vulnerable members. The economy has shifted its weight to the service sector, shedding the manufacturing jobs that once offered low-skilled men the promise of good wages to support their families. Alarming percentages of poor men – disproportionately African-Americans – pass through the criminal justice system, further undercutting their employability. And child support laws have driven them deep into debt.

I must admit, this is probably the first time I’ve seen mainstream media consider these men vulnerable. Let’s just take a little look at the many systems that keep Black men in poverty.

• * education – If CNN didn’t beat this into the ground, the high school drop out rate for African Americans is now up to 50%. We all know that not obtaining a college degree, let alone a high school degree, significantly decreases one’s lifetime earnings.
• * incarceration – you send a Black man to jail and his likelihood of finding employment to sustain him, let alone and his family, drops at an incredible rate.
• * child support - I’m not advocating that men don’t pay, but simple changes will make it much easier for men to pay. For example, if we stop considering incarceration “voluntary unemployment” and stop adding onto the principal while men are in jail, this would make their arrears repayment much easier upon their release. Or instead of taking out the entire amount of arrears from a man’s paycheck (and leaving with him with nothing in that paycheck), we should leave enough money for men to support themselves.
• * lack of low skill labor – this has been a problem since the 1970′s and employment is becoming more technical and analytical. Low education and low skill men are going to continue to have a hard time finding a job that provide liveable wages and any sort of benefits. That said, low skill jobs are not going to return. We need to educate these men and provide them with the skills to compete in today’s workforce.

The article points to many initiatives to help these men – most through financial incentives. That makes sense, a major reason men turn to crime is financial, however, this has been met with resistance.

In certain quarters, these ideas have generated controversy. Conservative critics oppose the expenditures, while others, especially feminists, fear that limited antipoverty funding could be diverted from poor women, who are by and large still struggling to raise the kids. From this perspective, the question is, why should men who have shirked their obligations be rewarded with assistance?

“If men were taking responsibility for their children, they would be receiving benefits,” says Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women.

These objections underscore one of the central challenges of any strategy designed to benefit poor men. Although policy analysts describe them as among the most vulnerable citizens in contemporary America, they are commonly viewed as more menacing than helpless. Many of them have broken laws and are severely alienated from mainstream society. The new proposals raise the question: How can you justify devoting scarce resources to helping people who most Americans see as culpable for many of their own – and society’s – problems?

And there’s the problem. Even though they need a lot of help, men are not considered deserving. And in some cases, ok a lot of cases, men are directly responsible for their current situation. I get frustrated when I see men refuse to acknowledge their role in their predicament and instead blame the system or “the man.” Yes, there are systems at work against you but you dropped at of high school, committed a crime, etc., etc. I question the effectiveness of a program if a man cannot accept the role his decisions have made on his situation, and also how those decisions affect others – his children, his babymama, his family, and his community.

And before you get all, she’s blaming the victim on me, I do understand the frustration of feminists and conservatives. Yes these man make poor decisions, but we need to give second chances. One dumb decision a man makes when he’s in his teens or early twenties really should not haunt and hinder him for the rest of his life. We need to recognize that if we don’t help these men the problem will get worse.

My thought is this, if you help Black children while they are the “deserving” you won’t need to help them when they are the Black men, and therefore “undeserving.” Seems simple enough to me.

peace,
e.

I uploaded the article to my server in case it’s down on the Boston Globe site – you can read it here.