All that worrying had gotten me was less peaceful sleep, when I could, and that was starting to mess up my skin and the last thing I wanted to do was start the week with messed up skin. Besides, I had been worrying for a little over two weeks faithfully and nothing was really changing.

I was worried about a paper that I had all summer. In the beginning I thought “Hey I have all summer, I’m going to take a little time to relax and then I’m going to bust this bad boy out.” By July I start thinking “I’d better get cracking on this paper.” Then disaster struck, well disaster by dissertation standards – my results were totally not doing what I wanted them to. I had to go back and check what I had actually done and think about how I can salvage my intro and lit review. Although the paper with the funky data wasn’t the same paper for class, it used the same data set and most of the same variables. Surely my class paper was going to be ruined too.

When I finally stopped worrying, I ran the data for class and that worked out fine. Now to write the paper. Ugh, the hard part. So I started and then came to the part that actually mattered to the class – interpreting odds ratios (aka the results section). This was when worry turned to panic. I began to imagine getting my first F ever in life in grad school. I contemplated dropping the class (but I’ve never been a quitter). Or doing something that is totally logically but that I never do. I asked my friend A for help. After about 5 minutes, I knew what I had to do and turned in the paper. I spent all of labor day weekend working on the paper – aside from a brief break to Saturday Morning Cartoons (hands down the best party of the summer).

I finished the paper around 11:30 on Monday night. Classes for the fall semester start the next day. I turned the paper in and avoided email all morning.

I had finished the paper but turned it in so late could he even give me a grad? Wow e. you’ve really done it this time.

Long story short, he got the paper and I got a B+ in the class (Praise sweet baby Jesus).

On crisis down. Another crisis that had not been solved with worry but with action.

I have another crisis left. Finding a roommate. Yes, I’ve been actively looking for 3 months down. 3 chicks who have confirmed they were moving in and then disappeared later, I have resolved to not solve this problem with worry because it doesn’t help. I’m going to do what I have to do and talk to my landlord on Monday. But I will not spend an entire weekend alone with my worries. No way.

e.

You can read it here.

Abstract:
This article uses data from the Fragile Families and Child Well-being Survey to examine the association between transitioning to marriage and general health status or serious health problems among low-income men.  Beginning with a sample of 3,631 unmarried fathers, the study observes the relationship between their transitions to marriage within 3 years after the birth of their child and their health status 5 years postbirth. The authors also explore if unmarried fathers benefit from marrying mothers who have health insurance. Results indicate that transitions to marriage and transitions to marriage with mothers who have health insurance, are associated with fewer serious health problems. The authors did not observe a significant relationship between transitioning to marriage and general health, likely because the sample comprised men who were young (average age was 26 years) and in very good health.

Enjoy!

peace,
e.

I’ll start with the headline “Eleven Arrested, One Tasered, During Manchester Drug Bust” – and now you can tell where we’re going. In that day’s newspaper, there were actually three different stories about drug busts in CT, but this one involved my younger brother.  In fact, he’s almost the star of the article

MANCHESTER — Police arrested 11 people and seized more than a pound of marijuana, plus $7,796 in cash, during a drug bust Monday that included a violent struggle.

Many of the arrests were the result of drug dealing in the Spruce Street area of town, where undercover officers from a regional task force had bought marijuana, crack cocaine and heroin over several months, police said. One of the arrested people is accused of having children sell drugs near a school. In all, police served 28 warrants.

Millard “Marquise” Jackson, 19, of Oak Street was shot with a Taser by officers when he resisted arrest on a warrant charging him with selling marijuana to an undercover officer in the Spruce Street neighborhood. He continued struggling after being Tasered, police said.

When officers got Jackson under control, they found 86 bags of marijuana on him, police said. Officers added charges of possession of marijuana, possession with intent to sell and resisting arrest.

Yeah so that’s my bro. And while I could go on and talk about how hard his life has been (which is has) and his issues with mental illness, the fact of the matter is that my brother is his father’s son.  And I expect to see more stories like this for at least another 10 – 20 years.  And at this point, I’m trying to figure out how I want to deal with this, or if I want to deal with this.  Because I’ve been here before, and I’m not looking forward to doing this again.

So where does this theory come in?  The last time my brother was incarcerated he blew up my phone.  He called multiple times a day, told me how much he loved me and told me he was going to turn his life around.  Now rewind about 15, and this is exactly how my father behaved.  Much like my father, my brother pretty much calls when he needs something (the last time was to read a contract for a record deal that never worked out) or he disappears for months.  And like how I felt with my father, I’m used to him being gone and silent because that means that he’s fine. Fine here is relative, because for a long time with my father, and for the next 10 – 20 years for my brother, fine means running around in the streets doing things that are most likely illegal.

Long story short, some (a lot of?) sons who grow up without their fathers mimic their behavior as adults. I’m not sure that this has actually been written and this may be where I need to start. But I know a lot of nonresident fathers grew up without their fathers.  (Not knowing your father may make it hard to “prove” that they act in similar manners).  Anyway the theory that I want to work on involves the daughter’s relationship to her brother, who now acts like her father.  How does she act?  How should she act?  By this point in life,  I’ve had about 23 years of dealing with my dad acting crazy and simply do not have the patience to humor this behavior in my brother.  But I am unsure if this is the norm.  I need to flush this idea through… or just write my dissertation, graduate and then flush this idea through, but I wanted to put it on paper.

peace,
e.

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending Princeton’s Graduate Women of Color Caucus’s conference, The Changing Role and Influence of Women of Color in Society.  It was such a great experience.  The keynote was by Dr. Ruth Simmons (current President of Brown, former President of Smith (whoot whoot)).  She is simply amazing.  If you don’t know about Dr. Simmons, you need to ask someone. She is the Michael Jordan of academia.

She was candid.  She was funny.  She was honest.   Dr. Simmons broke down what we need to succeed in higher education, and especially in some of the most prestigious schools in America.

Know your field. Like really know it. Know the markers of your field.  Where should you be published?  What prizes should you be striving for?  What grants should you be receiving?

Mentors. Of course you know you need a mentor, but how do you know if you have a good mentor.  Dr. Simmons told us if all your mentor does is tell you how wonderful you are, get a new mentor.  You need a mentor to tell you what’s not pretty.

Let them take credit for your work. It’s happened to her many times before, and it’s bound to happen for you.  It’s better for us, if you succeed.  Who cares if they want to take credit for it.

This is going to require maturity.  Unfair things are going to happen to you.  Expect that.  So now, how are you going to handle it?  You cannot throw a fit.  You must handle disappoint with grace.  When your boss/professor talks crazy to you, take it.  Save the tears for your office.

Don’t let others pacify you. Again, like with your mentors, if you are surrounded by people who only tell you how great you are, be aware.  Be your own worst critique.  Tear your own work about if you have to.

Endure. Be strong.  Do not let grad school break you.  You will be dealing with all this drama for a good reason – that good MA or PhD.

Be broad. Most of there are studying something related to people of color, and that is great.  But we must remember to be broad enough to affect others.  This will also make us more marketable when we hit the job market.  It’s important to be near the center.  Being in the margin is not where you want to be.

Remember how important you are. Yes, you need the school for an education, but they need you too.  The better you are, they better they look.  Don’t let them treat you like they are doing you a favor and that you don’t belong.  Remember your value to their institution and be good to yourself.

It was exactly what I needed to hear and at the exact time when I needed it most.  Thank you Dr. Simmons.  You are a gem.

peace,
e.