somewhere along the way I lost myself

I’m not quite sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way I lost myself.  I lost my muchness.

There’s a scene in the remake of Alice in Wonderland when the Mad Hatter meets up again with Alice and notices that she’s different.  She’s afraid and she’s not who she used to be.  He tells her, “You used to be much muchier.  You’ve lost your muchness.”  I know, it’s a child’s movie and a silly scene, but lately that’s how I’ve begun to feel about myself.

When I was younger, I was a character.  I did my own thing and didn’t care what anyone thought about it.  I was myself.  And then something happened, I’m not quite sure.  From then I began to doubt myself and my abilities.  And I became scared of everything – success, failure, trying.  And it was sad.  And it was exhausting. And I am tired of it.

So join me as I try to regain my muchness again and become that cool kid I know I am.

e.

2 Comments on somewhere along the way I lost myself

  1. heather
    August 24, 2011 at 12:54 pm (3 years ago)

    i feel the exact same way! its depressing!

  2. Joey
    October 16, 2011 at 11:44 pm (3 years ago)

    I have also been slowly losing my “muchness” (on a side note, Johnny Depp is an awesome Mad Hatter). When I went to college I sorta got stuck in that rut. I dated the same girl until just recently that would constantly dump me and I’d always go back to her. She’d always treat me like crap. I guess I was really just trying to hold onto something that had been gone for a long time.
    In high school I had friends and we’d go on ridiculous “adventures” together. I enjoyed the thrill of this so much. We still talk about doing these things all the time, but when we get together all we do is sit around. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity (or muchness if you will). I have started to miss them so badly that I can hardly imagine living the rest of my life without them. I’m a senior in college right now and I enjoy it and I’m happy, but it’s an empty happiness. I’m on the cross country and track teams here. Running has become like a business and it’s only enjoyable when I do well, not just going on a run with friends like in high school. While in high school the team and I were like family, but anymore my college teammates seem distant. I have one really close friend here and we hang out all the time, but it’s not really exhilarating like it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, he’s one of my best friends, it just feels like something is missing. I don’t want to lose everything I had and felt as a teenager.
    Sorry I don’t have a solution to your muchness problem, I just figured it’s nice to know you’re not the only one out there. But if you find a way to get your muchness back I would love to hear it.

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